2 months + post breakup

 It's crazy that time just keeps passing. I realise that we don't really share that much memories together and when I keep replaying and replaying, the recorder runs through very quickly. There's only so 'much' experiences that we shared together. We were together for almost 3 months... and now we're separated for almost the duration of us being together. And it's crazy that time is going to keep passing and the time spent being away from you would start becoming longer and longer compared to the time that we had.

Recently I'm into this sadness. Not the great depression but just deep, but not heavy, sadness. To pinpoint it exactly, I miss you. I'm not sure what I'm missing. The memory of us or you. I am no longer extremely curious about how are you or how's your life, but many things still remind me of you non stop day to day and instead of sadness... where it's something I lost, it's ... longing for something I can never have. I haven't been able to date or talk to new people romantically, not just because it's disrespectful to them but my heart just can't do it. I have no space or no love to give anyone haha. 

When I do go on a 'friend date' with this guy that I knew since secondary school, every slightest thing hinting in the romantic direction makes me feel emptier and sadder, because that feeling of affection is still very much associated with you. It's empty cause the guy that's sitting across the table, making me smile, is not you. I'm not enjoying the date, but I don't hate it either. 

In my deepest desire, I still want to see you physically, touch you, hug you, I know it would bring a lot of comfort to me but being friends is still not an option for me. For now. Or it will never be. A friend recently asked me: "if you were to go back in time would you change anything?"

me: "about this relationship? knowing how it would end?"

friend: "ya."

(I pondered for a long while, because I've never thought about that and thinking about it actually gave me a new perspective) 

me: "I would try even harder hoping that it would work."

I thought that I would have wanted to not have met you, or called it off earlier before things became too serious. But in another life, maybe things would have been different. If I did something different, if I gave you more time and space, if I loved you in the right ways, if I just tried harder... 

Then my date and I recently also discussed the topic about soulmates. 

date: "I believe in soulmates but not everyone is lucky enough to meet them this life. There's only 1 such person in this world and when you meet them, everything will feel right."

me: "I believe in soulmates and I felt like a already met him but it wasn't the right time."

date: "if it's not the right time then it's not your soulmate." 

me: "A soulmate is someone that made me feel connected to them in a special way. Because that connection is so special and hard to come by I believe it's a soul connection. And we may have more than one soul mate in our life because we are always changing and the type of people we need at different point of our lives is different." 

date: "if that person is your soulmate then why would the changes affect?"

me: "because I believe soulmate, chemistry or whatever only helps at the start. And of course it's really important that the connection is there. But I believe after that what really keeps it going is the effort."

maybe he was just the person I was willing to go to great lengths for but I wasn't his person. Maybe he was my soulmate but I wasn't his. I don't know. Does that even work?

-me: "I would try even harder hoping that it would work."-

I wonder will I have a different answer 6 months later, will I still feel the same longing, will I still miss you as much. According to Google, I won't, because the body knows how to protect itself by distracting yourself with other things and slowly letting you forget the longing. Maybe if 6 months later, I still feel the same way, or 1 year, 3 years later? I'll reach out to you? Maybe you're already seeing someone new now, maybe you're on your way to meet someone else that will make you feel like everything's how you want it to be. 

The happiest moment I felt when I was with you, was when you came to watch my Soul dance performance. It's almost like .. I feel so proud showing off the fruits of my labour to a family member that was really proud of me. It wasn't much but because of you that was my favourite performance of the year. Thank you for giving me that experience, I will try to remember it as much as time erodes all the memories away. 

For now, I will continue dancing for myself. And myself only :)