even the grey skies has its beauty

  I would really have forgotten about all the negativity i've posted 3 weeks ago in my previous post if ZH didn't made the statement of "you are like so emo", which lead me to why did you say so and WOW. Did I just typed that I hate my life currently 3 weeks ago? HAH. No wonder friends have came up to me randomly, little worried, asking if i'm okay, I didn't know I was in such deep shit now that it's slightly over and a whole lot better.

  Special thanks to CL for driving me out that night to punggol waterway, and lying to someone else that made me feel more important and better. 4 hours of headless rants and chatters about life. I feel acknowledged when people tell me they can't imagine what kind of shit I'm in and how well I've dealt with it after listening to my story. Also, allowing me to drive your car without a license was really the highlight of the best moments that night. HAHA (I concluded that I didn't wanna die so young so I passed the wheel back after awhile hahah)

  For a period of time, I've been away from Blogger, away from Dayre, the usual places where I indulge in expressing myself, not for the sake of any perceived identify I'm trying to build but doing it so often that I came to realize I enjoy writing out my thoughts. Recently, back to it again due to some advice from my counsellor. It's true that the first step is have a high awareness level of how your thoughts translate to your feelings. As simple as this relationship sounds, it requires a hell lotta effort in the vigorous and thorough awareness of it. You can easy list some of your thoughts and subsequently how you're feeling because of it, but being super conscious of it is ... a good HIGH LEVEL practice I shall say.

  All these rambles about the finer cognitive processes may not be so relatable to some of you who are reading it, as it goes with your personality as well (you know the 16 types of personality that test, something like that). Especially after I'm in Week 9 of my psychology class, I'm a lot more aware of how subjective things can be.

  The following is typed from the perspective of a ESFP (extraverted, sensing, feeling and perceiving, these are my more prominent attributes but which attribute have a varying extent as well, when they say I'm extraverted it doesn't mean I dare to talk to everyone and have a thick skin ETC):

Background information (which is like a brief introduction of a small part of who I may be in some situations):
"Where's the party?" ESFPs love people, excitement, telling stories (uh huh what I'm doing now) and having fun. The spontaneous, improve nature of this type is almost always entertaining. And ESFPs love to entertain -- on stage, at work, and/ or at home. Social gatherings are an energy boost to these "people" people.

Sos sometimes think and talk in more of a spider-web approach. Several of my EPSP friends jump from thought to thought in mid-sentence, touching here or there in a manner that's almost incoherent to the listener, but will eventually cover the waterfront by skipping on impulse from one piece o information to another. It's really quite fascinating.

ESFPs are attracted to new ideas, new fashions, new gadgets, new ____. Perhaps it's the newness of life that attracts ESFPs to elementary education, especially to preschool and kindergarten.

ESFPs love to talk to people about people. Some of the most colorful storytellers are ESFPs. Their down-to-earth, often homespun wit reflects a mischievous benevolence.

Almost every ESFP loves to talk. Some can be identified by the twenty minute conversation required to ask or answer a simple factual question.

Interpret this whichever way you want, like I said it only covers a small part of our complex personality. But if you're interested, you can take the quiz here! Source: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

[Continue from dayre, which my dayre is private so don't bother finding it]
Psychology, sociology... I really enjoy these majors. Even though I'm in the decision to quit school, I still came for these classes as I feel like they're not just an academic subject to me. They're knowledge that I can get that will be useful somewhere in my whole life. They're beautiful insights and there's no harm but even good in knowing more of them. They're so applicable. They're genuinely interesting to me. If I could, I would still pursue a major in these two fields. Can I? Had a whole debate (discussion maybe for a friendlier approach) with the school counsellor yesterday. I went with an intention, a burning question in my head that I can't answer myself: "What exactly is right?" I was so confused with things  that I want, versus things that I'm obliged to fulfill (responsibilities). In the end the conclusion was, just get your priorities clear. If you know what is your priority, may be short term, long term, that's a priority too, you can make your decision. There are too many things that are important in our lives, too many factors to be considered but still worth considering. It's good to have an awareness of more things even if they won't ultimately be the driving force of your decision. It's good to at least have considered it so that if anything happens in the future, you won't be so bewildered, so stun like a vegetable. HAHA

So basically this essay, all these thoughts and feelings helps to set my behavior in place. I've decided that I'm withdrawing from SMU. To take a break, to recover, to enjoy a little life before I'll see again next year what I'm ready to face. It may sound like a rash decision to you just by reading this relatively under-representation of my thought process but trust me, I have wavered for days and days and today I'm decided.


You can't keep worrying about the things you may miss or things you have to give up if you want better things in the future. Even if things may not be better in the future, you have to deal with it to make it better. My priorities are: at this point of time, now, I want to be better, I want to be a little selfish and act a little less rational but I will make sure it'll deal with it well and a non-conventional path will turn out just as well or even better.


Ciao.

Off to chase my dreams