I wished you cared just a lil bit more

Because I have so many things I wanna share with you

Hi, it's 1:19am, not that late but considering that fact that I have to wake up at 6:45am tomorrow, let's hope that I can sleep by 1:45pm. Head's so messed up and I figured out that writing will help me sort out some things...

The good thing about blogging is that i can stalk myself back in time and try to recall in greater precision of things that happened because my memory fails me..

Extracted these 2 paragraphs from 2 posts, a year ago.

 Bought some drinks from a random cheers and chilled by the bridge. Thanks for calling me beautiful and telling me that I have a nice smile non stop despite knowing my secret (which isn't very much of a secret if you guys read my blog) but still.. it's a big insecurity of mine. And telling me what decoy recee area safe some shit haha and answering my call when some weird angmoh tried to pick me up on the way back

Thank you for the shoulder and promises :) 

Why did I even bring all these up.. cause this guy was just on the phone with me for an hour, asking me would I date him and forcing a yes or no answer from me. He's like it's either a yes or no question but to me I'm never a fan of extremes and absolutes.. I asked him why did he ask me this question and I answered probably no, and he asked why. I explained that I'm not ready to be in a relationship now, like I can't even take good care of myself how can i take care of others. He said he is very independent... And I said that's not that point... the point is we must love ourselves enough to give a part of ourselves to others. 

He asked me if I knew why he stopped texting me some time ago, I said because you knew that you were annoying me? He said no, because you told me you wouldn't date shorter guys. (this was said 3 years ago LOL) then I said it's not that I don't date shorter guys, it's because I found you annoying last time.. 'So you don't find me annoying anymore now lah.' he asked. And I said no. He asked the same question again. 

I asked him what's his definition of a date. And he asked me back. I gave it some thought and said: "when two people are interested in each other and go out in hoping to develop a relationship" He told me he just wanna be truthful to me because he wanna know what do I think."before you ask wouldn't you worry what if the answer isn't what you wanna hear?" "I wouldn't be hurt or anything I just want to know the truth." "Well.. I would go out with you but not with the mindset of a date." He asked why and the story continues as per the paragraph on top...

After the explanation, as I'm meeting him 2 weeks later, he told me 2 weeks later everything will change, I will say yes... 

Suddenly I realised, all these wouldn't matter if I really like him, and it matters so..

He's a really nice guy. He cares for me, dotes on me... makes time and effort for me... The most touching thing he ever said to me was.. 'I will take care of you." "What if in the future my boyfriend is jealous?" "Then I will take care of you till you meet someone who i can pass the responsibility to but until then the responsibility is mine." He said that to me face to face you know.. how can I not be touched. Hence with all his sweet words I always think that his girlfriend would be very lucky but that doesn't mean that I wanna be his girlfriend you geddit. Just because you find someone nice doesn't mean you like that person and doesn't mean you two should start dating... 

Then when to date? When I meet that person that gives me that strong urge, na gu chong dong, to wanna do something about it... 

But i also wonder, why does he like me? In fact I always feel that I'm not worth it, not worth being treated so well..

I also associate myself far away from those type of girls who camp by their phone waiting for a reply text, and being clingy is a major turn off.. 

But I ask myself again are all these excuses, if it's the right guy would I not mind clinging on to him every day? This is the real question that I do not have an answer for...

So you (another you..) came floating into my mind .. Guess what? I would be MORE THAN HAPPY if that really happens one day. 

So moral of the story, all those are just sugarcoats of the blunt version "I am not interested in you that way..." 

I really do enjoy freedom, space and trust. It's like go get a life and stop spamming me, less is more ...YOU GEDDIT?

Anyway MinJia was telling  me that i should confess to you but i just wanna take it slow and see how things go.. i'm actuallt quite afraid that if i rush things you'll end up avoiding me. And to be honest, i'm not embarrased or shy to confess, i just dont know what will happen after that. I believe that an admiration, how you feel towards that person should be said because they are all sincere words from the heart and it's a right, it's my right to have my feelings made known... haha i just dont like to not say anything and end up playing guessing games with myself. I have confessed 3 times in my life (more balls than 30% of you guys alr) just because i believe a confession isnt just a guy thing, we girls can confess too and so far my record is a 2/3 successes haha, My confession doesnt come out like, do you wanna be my boyfriend but more of just letting the other person know how i feel without expecting anything back. I would legitly say, i like you and dropping hints also means that i like you but i havent confessed yet!

Right now, i just hope that i get better amd regain my comfidence, before i will go into any relationship and give you what you deserve.