battles
Hello readers. I'm tearing like no tomorrow as I'm typing this down. With 2 exams and 2 essays due right up after this weekend, I.. should be studying now. But i really can't. Figured out that it's time for me to confess my thoughts and have a thorough cry tonight before I can really start on a new page tomorrow and not work half-functional. As I'm saying this, my mom's depression is acting up again. (She's flipping my whole wardrobe out and packing them to throw them away, throwing around furnitures in the house, and asking me to die right now.) I've been living with it since I Primary 3. I thought I was a very strong girl and everything seem to be going well and strong all the way till Sec 4. Like no one could tell I had a broken family. I thought I had good filtering skills, I was on the right track on focusing on the positive things, and I never knew that these things didn't show up then but were slow creeping and accumulating inside. Everything started to break down, too quickly, too fast when I entered JC. I guess I couldn't adapt and I never really settled into JC. I honestly couldn't even handle school work without dance and with the vigorous academic timetable, and little support from people around me (Seriously, no one is to blame as every one is so busy with their studies, their own phases of life) and with my family problems still exacerbating, I was just... in a really bad state.
Had a long holiday without much stress after A's, felt like I was ready to start a new and better life in University (SMU). Things did start out pretty well, but soon enough, the problem surfaced again. All these while, I never really resolved that tension of my family problems inside me. I just safely tuck it further away hopeful that there will never be one day where I fall off balance so hard that those problems can reach me again. I wasn't coping in school, I did badly and told myself that I'm not ready for school, so I quitted school. More like I wasn't confident in my own abilities to overcome these hurdle and wasn't ready to face my problems, I needed more time.
Then comes a long gap year till the new admissions next year. I'd like to convince and portray my gap year as a good break with the meaningful pursuit of my dance career. My dance classes expanded from 2 to 13 given how I was fully committed almost like a full- timer. However, it was definitely a year with a different kind of stress. My mom was so worried about my higher-level education, that she made me apply for all the universities, including art institutions like NAFA. She was worried that I go school-less for another year and sees it as me wasting a year of my life. The joke came in when NAFA accepted me and I was almost forced into going NAFA instead of continuing my university education. To make things clear, I always wanted to pursue a university education but I merely took a pause last year because I felt that I wasn't ready for it. To quote my own words, I told my mom I wouldn't mind trying an arts institution but depending on how ready I am, I really want to take on university again if I am able to. If you followed my post some time ago, I mentioned something about how you failed something once, failed quite badly, and people don't ever give you a second chance to try again, to prove yourself or even just an attempt? They just condemn you. I can't promise that university will work well for me this time, but I am trying everything in my stride. Balancing, coping, rejecting, attempts to increase the chances of success. I can't promise her that. And to her, it just seems like me saying the same thing will happen again if I go SIM, I will quit school. So it's better for me to just go the other path of dance which I probably can cope better. It's like condemning an ex-offender to never trust him AS A PERSON (this is more serious than not trusting the things he do but the essence is even him as a person) to do anything well again. I basically felt like that. The worst of all, I almost let them convince me that I wasn't fit for a university education.
It took me a long battle and many quarrels. At the end of the decision, there was still no understanding and only told to do whatever I want even if it means dying.
So many people don't understand this long battle. In fact, the battle goes way beyond what my words in this blog post could describe. So many people think I'm crazy to give up SMU and study in SIM. It's like they only see the start point : SMU, and end point : SIM, forgetting that within these two points there are 10 years worth of experience that cause the ending to be like this.
At least I'm proud to say that I have quite satisfactory results for my study in SIM now. Given my heavy dance schedules, and managing to score between As & Bs for all my 5 modules, it is really enough for me. For this, I will give myself some due credits that no one has given me. Seriously, everyone just keeps telling me that you could have gotten better than what you are getting now if you give up some of your classes. I told them bluntly: Nope, I do not want to get better. And they look so puzzled like why would anyone not want to get better marks if they could. Well, there's me. I feel like I'm in a good balance now between the number of dance classes that I can cope and the grades I am achieving. Even if you think that it's too crazy, I'm not coping, that's your perception of coping place on my activities right? Only I can determine if I'm really coping. I'm tired but who isn't. I'm healthy, I'm in a good mood, I'm motivated to strive, that's my idea of coping.
I deliberately try to be open about my struggles and battles here in this blog as in my normal life, I do not share them at all. I really try to hard to act like it's all good, but actually I'm just too weak to confess that I'm not strong to others. Hopefully through this medium I can share my feelings without fearing someone's direct judgement to my weakness.
So I hope every one who never had a chance to know this part of me had a good read and acknowledge my battles :)
Had a long holiday without much stress after A's, felt like I was ready to start a new and better life in University (SMU). Things did start out pretty well, but soon enough, the problem surfaced again. All these while, I never really resolved that tension of my family problems inside me. I just safely tuck it further away hopeful that there will never be one day where I fall off balance so hard that those problems can reach me again. I wasn't coping in school, I did badly and told myself that I'm not ready for school, so I quitted school. More like I wasn't confident in my own abilities to overcome these hurdle and wasn't ready to face my problems, I needed more time.
Then comes a long gap year till the new admissions next year. I'd like to convince and portray my gap year as a good break with the meaningful pursuit of my dance career. My dance classes expanded from 2 to 13 given how I was fully committed almost like a full- timer. However, it was definitely a year with a different kind of stress. My mom was so worried about my higher-level education, that she made me apply for all the universities, including art institutions like NAFA. She was worried that I go school-less for another year and sees it as me wasting a year of my life. The joke came in when NAFA accepted me and I was almost forced into going NAFA instead of continuing my university education. To make things clear, I always wanted to pursue a university education but I merely took a pause last year because I felt that I wasn't ready for it. To quote my own words, I told my mom I wouldn't mind trying an arts institution but depending on how ready I am, I really want to take on university again if I am able to. If you followed my post some time ago, I mentioned something about how you failed something once, failed quite badly, and people don't ever give you a second chance to try again, to prove yourself or even just an attempt? They just condemn you. I can't promise that university will work well for me this time, but I am trying everything in my stride. Balancing, coping, rejecting, attempts to increase the chances of success. I can't promise her that. And to her, it just seems like me saying the same thing will happen again if I go SIM, I will quit school. So it's better for me to just go the other path of dance which I probably can cope better. It's like condemning an ex-offender to never trust him AS A PERSON (this is more serious than not trusting the things he do but the essence is even him as a person) to do anything well again. I basically felt like that. The worst of all, I almost let them convince me that I wasn't fit for a university education.
It took me a long battle and many quarrels. At the end of the decision, there was still no understanding and only told to do whatever I want even if it means dying.
So many people don't understand this long battle. In fact, the battle goes way beyond what my words in this blog post could describe. So many people think I'm crazy to give up SMU and study in SIM. It's like they only see the start point : SMU, and end point : SIM, forgetting that within these two points there are 10 years worth of experience that cause the ending to be like this.
At least I'm proud to say that I have quite satisfactory results for my study in SIM now. Given my heavy dance schedules, and managing to score between As & Bs for all my 5 modules, it is really enough for me. For this, I will give myself some due credits that no one has given me. Seriously, everyone just keeps telling me that you could have gotten better than what you are getting now if you give up some of your classes. I told them bluntly: Nope, I do not want to get better. And they look so puzzled like why would anyone not want to get better marks if they could. Well, there's me. I feel like I'm in a good balance now between the number of dance classes that I can cope and the grades I am achieving. Even if you think that it's too crazy, I'm not coping, that's your perception of coping place on my activities right? Only I can determine if I'm really coping. I'm tired but who isn't. I'm healthy, I'm in a good mood, I'm motivated to strive, that's my idea of coping.
I deliberately try to be open about my struggles and battles here in this blog as in my normal life, I do not share them at all. I really try to hard to act like it's all good, but actually I'm just too weak to confess that I'm not strong to others. Hopefully through this medium I can share my feelings without fearing someone's direct judgement to my weakness.
So I hope every one who never had a chance to know this part of me had a good read and acknowledge my battles :)
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