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Hello readers!
It's the last 8 days of 2016 and I can't believe it! Finals have ended and I have officially completed my first semester of university! :D Many of my friends have definitely been here, done this in even better universities. But for me, doing this for the second time in a new university required a lot of faith and trust in myself that things sill work better this time. It has been a year since my change of institution but till today, I still face many remarks and comments about this decision from a public to private university. I hope any of you who is studying in a public university and feel that it is really tough and feel like giving up, I pray that you will have the strength to continue going. I have been put through some harsh situations in my life that I resorted to this but I have never regretted. For those of you still battling, please try your best to finish what you started because life doesn't always offer you second chances like this. Even when it does, something would have been taken away from you as exchange. For me, it is self confidence. Being place in a situation where everyone (sorry that's not the point, but you yourself) thinks you're capable of achieving, and subsequently proving yourself wrong so badly makes you shriver up in shame and self doubt when you are tasked by yourself to give yourself a second chance again. "I was once very certain that I could do it, and I failed. I was so confident of myself and I failed.. With that kind of confidence and drive that I've had I couldn't do it. What makes me think now that I'm in a better position to suceed?" Yea you see it there yourself, the lack of sense confidence is crippling. All that is left is a remnant of the CPF letter telling me, please pay off your CPF loan for school fees of SMU Bachelor of Arts and Social Sciences. LOL
I used to play it off cool because I was so certain of myself. I still play it off cool now as I'm trying to convince myself that I don't really matter.
Wait, this post is not supposed to be going this way..
Let's start... 2016
The start of 2016 was pretty out of place. I just left my previous university and took a break in the name of recovering. After which I got myself 6 jobs and always left house for work early in the morning to only reach home after 4am each night. I think I was drowning myself in fatigue to not feel the pain.
Also, for the practical reason of saving up for my wanderlust. I actually worked and travelled to make more sense of my gap year, a year of doing nothing. I went to California, Los Angeles and San Fransisco. The city of dreams was really a humble dream for a 20 year old girl like me, being able to learn from many of my favourite dancers since BIRTH ACDEFG~!@%^&?!?! After which I went travelling alone in Osaka, Japan and Seoul, Korea. No idea what got into me or rather what didn't get into me to do such a fearless thing that now as I look back I'm really proud of myself. The adventures of surviving alone in a foreign land for 2 weeks is challenging but I remember I told myself at that point in time, I haven't felt so alive in ages.
I got myself into a dilemma of choosing an art institute (NAFA) or to continue pursuing my studies, which stirred up new controversies again (between my family and I and some curious friends here and there duh). The Lynette 1 year ago definitely would have accepted NAFA and pursue her dream as a professional dancer. The Lynette now, see things in practicality and has no confidence in herself on achieving. Bitter huh. I always had this principle that if it's something I like, I would only do things that I believe in 100% in achieving as long as I work hard enough. Because the standards for myself in such field is a little out of the world sometimes so I either put myself all out for it or pull myself back if I have any doubts. Hence, I've decided to continue studying since it's something that I can do but won't feel horrible about myself even if I did an average.
Finally I enter SIM my new institution where time where I am back to the life of me being under the control of time :(:): At least I'm proud to say that I have decent grades, and am earning enough to fund myself for the out of the world school fees. I've always thought it was a very sensible thing to pay for your own school fees, I mean I have paid for my own enrichment classes. But this is really another thing where it threatens your wellbeing, your livelihood, and your shopping money. HAHA
Throughout the years, I have prayed for different things for my family. When I was young, I use to pray that I would be a sensible daughter, do well in school (thats what my parents were always praying for me) and not let my parents worry. They were quarreling so much and talking about divorce, and I didn't know how to choose sides because no matter how sour their relationships were, my mom is still my mom and my dad is still my dad even if they don't acknowledge each other as husband and wive. So I prayed that my parent's relationship will get better. Just so that I can continue to be thankful that it isn't so bad, at least my parents isn't divorced. Then I was really envious of my friend's loving family so I prayed and we will eat as a family more than just one year once on new year. It ended up that we don't even eat as a family during new year now as the sight of each other irks them so much. So I prayed for their good health, as I'm getting older, they are too.
I guess it never really got better. Today, my father see me as a useless daughter who only knows how to dance, fails her university education and cursed and is bent on seeing me fail again this time, who lazes around at home everyday even though pikachu can be the eyewitness of how hard i've been fighting literally everyday in school and at all the things i've committed myself in. I've never been very close to my dad, but I've always been grateful for him in raising me financially. I've never thought that there would come a day like this, where I actually hate him. I hate him for all the hurtful words he's used on me. Calling his own daughter useless and not to say acknowledge my hard work but still put my down by saying I'm of no contribution. I hate him for devaluing my Mom. Objectifying, dehumanising. I'm glad I go to school so that i can use such words on you. I hate him for the violence that he has subjected my Mom to. And down the food chain it's me on the receiving end of all these violence. I hate how many times I have to tell myslf after a beating/ scolding before I sleep that tomorrow will be a good day, and waking up telling myself today will be a good day, and doing things telling myself, I must do better than what he says I am. Having a good day of hard work only to return home and hear you call me useless worthless once again. If there's anything that I have to thank you for now, I thank you for letting me see how strong I am. For never once believing in what you think I am and continue fighting to be someone better.
Today, my Mom is threatening suicide at the rate of 1/ week. It's actually scary because I feel like all these times is actually building up the confidence for her to really do it? I'm so scared some of the times of what could really happen. I remember one of the episode this year it was so bad that I was crying alone in the park and hallucinating. Last time when I receive such threat calls I wasn't as scared as I know she really wouldn't do it. But now, she has been overdosing insomnia medications and she can sleep for days without waking up. There was once I reach home and she was just lying right infront of the door, in the middle of the living room unconscious? And many times she called me she was already standing at the rooftop telling me to wait for her downstairs. I think physically I act like all of these is not affecting me but it's really taking a toll on me mentally? I hope I can continue to be strong and cope with it.
!NEVERTHELESS!
Through 2016, I'm glad to see that many people that are important to me still stayed as a constant in my life. Thankful for new great friends I've found in my new university that made school work much manageable because they are always on the lookout for me and are super understanding that the amount of classes I have off-school is incomprehensible.
Also, JX for entering my life. And it's the first time in a long while since I'm receiving so much care and concern. Even though times are hard now, I'm gonna continue fighting for this relationship. I'm gonna continue fighting for you cause you mean a lot to me. Even if you find me annoying, I'm gonna try and stick around. I've never given up on things that I love before, and I won't give up on you too.
Ever since my holiday started, concert was just over! Had the luxury of teaching the last week of dance classes all out without being so shagged out from school all the time. Had my last Dreamwerkz training of the year. Went to meet COLLEEN BAE for a chill session at loof and got diminished to switch by timbhare and finally to standing sushi bar to eat expensive sushis when non of us are busy haha. Went to watch Anyhow Arts as an audience and had a warm fuzzy feeling catching up with my dance family, Dance Inspiration. Had DF post concert party, also started choreographing some real hiphop shit and I'm really happy to receive positive responses thus far. Caught up with Zonghong over dinner and movie and it's really nice to have someone who shares so much history with you (KNOW OF HAHA). He's the nicest cause he remembers things like I don't like to sit with people in the cinema and he offered to sit beside the other human that i DK *low key anti-social* and he just knows me as a person la. Please let me vet your future girlfriend first before you date her ok ;) Of course, this holiday also includes multiple dating sessions with my B! From shopping at town, to vivo city and taking my favourite polaroid with me, to driving me around for breakfast and dance classes, to meeting me in the middle of the night to feed mosquitoes at parks. So happy that it's his block leave too and we can spend more day time together! MANY LOVE LOVE LOVE!
It's the last 8 days of 2016 and I can't believe it! Finals have ended and I have officially completed my first semester of university! :D Many of my friends have definitely been here, done this in even better universities. But for me, doing this for the second time in a new university required a lot of faith and trust in myself that things sill work better this time. It has been a year since my change of institution but till today, I still face many remarks and comments about this decision from a public to private university. I hope any of you who is studying in a public university and feel that it is really tough and feel like giving up, I pray that you will have the strength to continue going. I have been put through some harsh situations in my life that I resorted to this but I have never regretted. For those of you still battling, please try your best to finish what you started because life doesn't always offer you second chances like this. Even when it does, something would have been taken away from you as exchange. For me, it is self confidence. Being place in a situation where everyone (sorry that's not the point, but you yourself) thinks you're capable of achieving, and subsequently proving yourself wrong so badly makes you shriver up in shame and self doubt when you are tasked by yourself to give yourself a second chance again. "I was once very certain that I could do it, and I failed. I was so confident of myself and I failed.. With that kind of confidence and drive that I've had I couldn't do it. What makes me think now that I'm in a better position to suceed?" Yea you see it there yourself, the lack of sense confidence is crippling. All that is left is a remnant of the CPF letter telling me, please pay off your CPF loan for school fees of SMU Bachelor of Arts and Social Sciences. LOL
I used to play it off cool because I was so certain of myself. I still play it off cool now as I'm trying to convince myself that I don't really matter.
Wait, this post is not supposed to be going this way..
Let's start... 2016
The start of 2016 was pretty out of place. I just left my previous university and took a break in the name of recovering. After which I got myself 6 jobs and always left house for work early in the morning to only reach home after 4am each night. I think I was drowning myself in fatigue to not feel the pain.
Also, for the practical reason of saving up for my wanderlust. I actually worked and travelled to make more sense of my gap year, a year of doing nothing. I went to California, Los Angeles and San Fransisco. The city of dreams was really a humble dream for a 20 year old girl like me, being able to learn from many of my favourite dancers since BIRTH ACDEFG~!@%^&?!?! After which I went travelling alone in Osaka, Japan and Seoul, Korea. No idea what got into me or rather what didn't get into me to do such a fearless thing that now as I look back I'm really proud of myself. The adventures of surviving alone in a foreign land for 2 weeks is challenging but I remember I told myself at that point in time, I haven't felt so alive in ages.
I got myself into a dilemma of choosing an art institute (NAFA) or to continue pursuing my studies, which stirred up new controversies again (between my family and I and some curious friends here and there duh). The Lynette 1 year ago definitely would have accepted NAFA and pursue her dream as a professional dancer. The Lynette now, see things in practicality and has no confidence in herself on achieving. Bitter huh. I always had this principle that if it's something I like, I would only do things that I believe in 100% in achieving as long as I work hard enough. Because the standards for myself in such field is a little out of the world sometimes so I either put myself all out for it or pull myself back if I have any doubts. Hence, I've decided to continue studying since it's something that I can do but won't feel horrible about myself even if I did an average.
Finally I enter SIM my new institution where time where I am back to the life of me being under the control of time :(:): At least I'm proud to say that I have decent grades, and am earning enough to fund myself for the out of the world school fees. I've always thought it was a very sensible thing to pay for your own school fees, I mean I have paid for my own enrichment classes. But this is really another thing where it threatens your wellbeing, your livelihood, and your shopping money. HAHA
Throughout the years, I have prayed for different things for my family. When I was young, I use to pray that I would be a sensible daughter, do well in school (thats what my parents were always praying for me) and not let my parents worry. They were quarreling so much and talking about divorce, and I didn't know how to choose sides because no matter how sour their relationships were, my mom is still my mom and my dad is still my dad even if they don't acknowledge each other as husband and wive. So I prayed that my parent's relationship will get better. Just so that I can continue to be thankful that it isn't so bad, at least my parents isn't divorced. Then I was really envious of my friend's loving family so I prayed and we will eat as a family more than just one year once on new year. It ended up that we don't even eat as a family during new year now as the sight of each other irks them so much. So I prayed for their good health, as I'm getting older, they are too.
I guess it never really got better. Today, my father see me as a useless daughter who only knows how to dance, fails her university education and cursed and is bent on seeing me fail again this time, who lazes around at home everyday even though pikachu can be the eyewitness of how hard i've been fighting literally everyday in school and at all the things i've committed myself in. I've never been very close to my dad, but I've always been grateful for him in raising me financially. I've never thought that there would come a day like this, where I actually hate him. I hate him for all the hurtful words he's used on me. Calling his own daughter useless and not to say acknowledge my hard work but still put my down by saying I'm of no contribution. I hate him for devaluing my Mom. Objectifying, dehumanising. I'm glad I go to school so that i can use such words on you. I hate him for the violence that he has subjected my Mom to. And down the food chain it's me on the receiving end of all these violence. I hate how many times I have to tell myslf after a beating/ scolding before I sleep that tomorrow will be a good day, and waking up telling myself today will be a good day, and doing things telling myself, I must do better than what he says I am. Having a good day of hard work only to return home and hear you call me useless worthless once again. If there's anything that I have to thank you for now, I thank you for letting me see how strong I am. For never once believing in what you think I am and continue fighting to be someone better.
Today, my Mom is threatening suicide at the rate of 1/ week. It's actually scary because I feel like all these times is actually building up the confidence for her to really do it? I'm so scared some of the times of what could really happen. I remember one of the episode this year it was so bad that I was crying alone in the park and hallucinating. Last time when I receive such threat calls I wasn't as scared as I know she really wouldn't do it. But now, she has been overdosing insomnia medications and she can sleep for days without waking up. There was once I reach home and she was just lying right infront of the door, in the middle of the living room unconscious? And many times she called me she was already standing at the rooftop telling me to wait for her downstairs. I think physically I act like all of these is not affecting me but it's really taking a toll on me mentally? I hope I can continue to be strong and cope with it.
!NEVERTHELESS!
Through 2016, I'm glad to see that many people that are important to me still stayed as a constant in my life. Thankful for new great friends I've found in my new university that made school work much manageable because they are always on the lookout for me and are super understanding that the amount of classes I have off-school is incomprehensible.
Also, JX for entering my life. And it's the first time in a long while since I'm receiving so much care and concern. Even though times are hard now, I'm gonna continue fighting for this relationship. I'm gonna continue fighting for you cause you mean a lot to me. Even if you find me annoying, I'm gonna try and stick around. I've never given up on things that I love before, and I won't give up on you too.
Ever since my holiday started, concert was just over! Had the luxury of teaching the last week of dance classes all out without being so shagged out from school all the time. Had my last Dreamwerkz training of the year. Went to meet COLLEEN BAE for a chill session at loof and got diminished to switch by timbhare and finally to standing sushi bar to eat expensive sushis when non of us are busy haha. Went to watch Anyhow Arts as an audience and had a warm fuzzy feeling catching up with my dance family, Dance Inspiration. Had DF post concert party, also started choreographing some real hiphop shit and I'm really happy to receive positive responses thus far. Caught up with Zonghong over dinner and movie and it's really nice to have someone who shares so much history with you (KNOW OF HAHA). He's the nicest cause he remembers things like I don't like to sit with people in the cinema and he offered to sit beside the other human that i DK *low key anti-social* and he just knows me as a person la. Please let me vet your future girlfriend first before you date her ok ;) Of course, this holiday also includes multiple dating sessions with my B! From shopping at town, to vivo city and taking my favourite polaroid with me, to driving me around for breakfast and dance classes, to meeting me in the middle of the night to feed mosquitoes at parks. So happy that it's his block leave too and we can spend more day time together! MANY LOVE LOVE LOVE!
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