2021

 Hey guys.

I will be attempting to type down my thoughts, my reflection (without my hand going to my head through the end of this post). *Journalling on a book does not really work for me cause I have one idle hand. So typing is a good way. Hands on keyboard all the way!


The event that led me to this space today is dance. Today, I told my story through dance. It was so empowering, uplifting, 'a heavy burden lifted off my chest.' 

For the longest time I always wondered, since I love to dance so much, why can't I feel like myself when I dance? Dance started out as something for me to express myself, now it became something that I constantly felt the pressure to do well with. I found it difficult to connect to the music, to connect to the dance. I still feel happy dancing, but I don't feel authentic dancing. 

Thanks to this space and people that I put myself in, I was given the opportunity to tell my story through dance. The story of Trichotillomania. 

The fear of not knowing how people would take it. Braving forward to tell my story to be surprised by everyone's encouragement and really the space held 0 judgement. 

I would say the disconnection from dance and me went further than that. I disconnected myself from everything. It was easy to make friends but damn freaking tough to be genuine and really feel like i'm a part of people or this world. Everything was on the surface, I couldn't go deeper. I told myself I didn't need humans. Then I realised it was impossible for me to move forward in my dance without humans. Dance is a reflection of our lives, when our life, our heart is empty, there's nothing to express and show in dance. People can't feel my energy and I am not dancing, I am just training my body to move. 

This is a year of growth, especially from starting my full time job. Being put under new stressors and working with different environment and people really made me learn a lot about myself. Actually all the supposed 'adults' around are not really adults too, we all have something we haven't quite figured out and something that we are still struggling with. So much for being an ADULT. One interesting thing as I look back at my post  (exactly a year ago) I really feel like so much has happened in this 'Covid' year 2 as opposed to how everyone is saying there's nothing much happening. SOOO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. 

I acknowledge that my mindset has grown so much, I am no longer struggling on the balancing beam. I know what I want and I'm growing to be more comfortable with myself.

I learn new things about myself every day. The things I should do that will help me. For example, to not do tedious tasks since my motivation to resist the urge to pull at night is low. Hence, video- editing at night would be a self-dug coffin. Night activities after I'm home from dance should be kept simple. Shower, and sleep at a normal time like a normal human! 

Also, started pursuing my YouTube thing which literally only started after my blog post last year. It's been a year and since now I've taken a pause at my chapter with special education, it is time to go hard on the Youtube algorithm. To do it like a business and make it work. To be honest, I've never associated myself with being a business person. But my strength has got to my passion in the things I love. Just the passion alone has brought me to so many places. I choose to believe in my passion again and that it will bring me through all the difficult things and make it work! 

Thank you for being in this headspace with me. Sending all all all the love to you if you are going through a tough time. If you resonated with something I say, feel free to hit me up for chats. 

(I have touched my hair 4 times in the span of 30 mins. That's an accomplishment for a Wednesday 1 a.m.)