2023 27th birthday

Hello.. Lynette here!!

It's been 2 years since I've written in my blog. Nowadays I vlog so much I guess vlogging is my new way of sharing what's happening in my life. However, most of the vlogs are about happy cheery energy and I actually miss the part where I dare to express how I feel as if my feelings are the most important thing in this world.

So in today's blog, I'm just going to share like how I used to! No filter of who I'm trying to make an impression on, fear of judgement or whatever not. Just plainly speaking me.

I'm gonna attempt to write down everything that's on my mind now. Things that just happened recently, things I'm feeling today, on my 27th birthday, YAY! This may take hours.

Recently I've been feeling a lot more grounded and less 'searching'? I've taken an Enneagram course recently and it really made ME UNDERSTAND MYSELF a lot better. From denying that I'm that personality, to understanding why I'm resisting those labels. Then there was a phase where I literally went like, yeah thats just me, it's so me, it's the way I am, accept it. People don't align with me, I can't work with them..  And now I'm at a phase where its like 'yeah, thats me, but that doesn't have to be all of me. Realising, that I HAVE A CHOICE, is really so powerful. It takes away self blame, it takes away envy, it takes away complacency, it takes away misery and it brings so much positivity. 

From last year when I solo travelled and learned about myself, till this year where I continue working inwards on myself more,  I keep having this full circle moment. I feel like I've lived life for enough years, gone through enough things, that I'm noticing the pattern, every lesson always brings me back to something that I once felt so strongly for and I forgot about it. The full circle moment when I solo travelled was realising again that I can be so strong and powerful even when I'm alone (independent). I don't need a lot of people to make me feel good and that makes me feel good cause I feel self sufficient. And if I want to feel good with people, I will reach out and do what I need to do. And ironically enough, I relearned how much I enjoy being in the presence of friends. Rethinking this point alway makes me smile. I think it was so special before I've never felt that deep connection of friendship, that pure joy and bliss since secondary school days. I felt as innocent as I was when I was in secondary school. I always thought that when you get older, more things weigh you down and it's hard to come by that simple happiness again. But it came by when I was overseas for 6 months. I really connected genuinely with everyone, enjoyed their presence so much that the people mattered more than any activities. Which also made me fly to their countries to visit them, mostly for them. I remembered how much I love friends, how much I love having friends in my life, even when I was young. 

Another full circle for me this year is about finding back that optimism. When I was young, being optimistic was not a part of my identity, it was a label given by almost everyone around me. People always describe me as bubbly, cheerful, jovial, cheering people up. At some point this identity became a burden. Because I feel like people like me cause I am 'these traits' and i need to always be like that so that people will like me. But I did not have any capacity to show up for myself in that way. And faking happiness so that I will not add to the bad mood, be part of the problem, is causing so much misery. But recently I realised again that being optimistic has always been a part of me. Laughing loudly, making the environment around me happy is what makes me truly happy. And again thankfully when I'm in that environment of supportive friends who allow me to be loud, I'm so happy it gives me energy to do every other thing I wanna do in life and I'm so excited for life. 

a new topic; a random reflection. But everytime when people post birthday captions, they will go like: so grateful for (27).. etc. I think grateful is a feeling that I also understood more of recently. I remember wanting to emit that grateful feeling when I was younger but I was just copying and it wasn't genuine. But today, i'm not just grateful for life, or food that we eat, or water that we drink.. LOL. I'm grateful for friends who are willing to support my open class, people who are willing to empower me and remind me of my value, that i'm deserving when I feel like i'm not, grateful for a new family dynamics but better relationships with my parents, grateful for people who are willing to trust my vision and allow me to do what I wanna do, grateful for friends who will let me rationalize my thoughts out loud, friends who will keep a look out for me. I feel like I've done always done something similar to this since young, showing appreciation for my friends, but this time the intention is different. I'm not typing this for them; to see this and feel appreciated; but I'm typing this cause I'm thankful for the way they made me feel that I deserve all these. 

Despite being older, I feel like I'll forever be amazed by how everyone has a much clearer picture to my problems and all of the sudden it seems so much simpler after sharing with them as compared to the problem being in my head by myself. A lesson that I always want to remind myself is: 

Sometimes, always, maybe, you'll feel impatient, you'll feel not enough. You wanna be a better person and you think you at your present moment is ... okay BUT 'STILL NEED TO WORK ON SO MUCH MORE'.

I want you to remind yourself, you are enough just as you are now. This is not empty words. This is real words with weight. Because naturally you'll continue working and improving. But when you look back, you actually became a better human and in between it took a lot of struggle and growth to reach where you are now. The worst part is, people are gonna tell you things, people are gonna make you feel not enough. But why did you let them tell you how to feel about yourself? Who knows you better than you?

Some things that I've improved and I want to acknowledge myself for:

-In the past, I was so bad at saying admitting I'm in the wrong, and apologising.

-In the past, I was so bad at expressing my feelings face to face, especially acknowledging people, because I was brought up in a family that did not teach me how to be affectionate.

-In the past, I will cry every time I need to confront some one, I feel uncomfortable around straightforward people, I am 200% avoidant. 

-In the past, I'm so bad at taking in feedbacks. I would be personally offended 11/10 times when faced with a criticism and be super defensive.

-In the past, because I am the only child, I was so selfish and stubborn. My turn-taking was impaired and I was always competitive HAHAH

These are just some of the points I can think of instantly. Maybe you still can see some of those traits of me today, but I swear I've toned down on them so so so much and I'm proud of my growth.

With that being said, gonna eat HaiDiLao with my mom to celebrate our birthdays! Cause it's on the same day! Yes my mom went through labour on her birthday! SO HAPPY FOR THAT! YAY! 

See you soon <33333