POST- BREAKUP & POST-COMPETITION

   Our body knows.

It's crazy how there's so many levels of intimacy. The level that I appear to be infront of everyone. The level I show on my vlog. The level I show on tiktok nowadays. The level I show to my close friends. The level I write on this blog. 

I have a lot inertia writing this post because the thoughts run too deep and it's gonna take a lot of effort unpacking them. But again, something I need and want to do for myself as a means of growth and documenting. 'An unexamined life is not worth living.'

Those bad feelings that came, 2 weeks before the breakup happened, were real. That's why I said 'our body knows.' After the breakup, I was extremely depressed. My physical body broke down too. I had a lot of injuries, and I lost my passion for life and dance as well. It's really crazy how much I let one person rule my life. I had to journal on my physical journal almost everyday, because the emotions were too intense and everyday I felt like puking, I didn't have appetite. I was just ruminating in my own thoughts, rationalizing, finding excuses, reasons on why things didn't work out, gaslighting myself. I even had contact with him even though I mentioned that I want no contact because at the point of the breakup, I told myself that I need to respect myself and the not give any more energy to this person who gave up on me first. Then, I had a tough time trying to hold space for him, to not hate him. Then I realised it wasn't for him, but for me. Because I wanted to believe that what we had was real and I wasn't the fool putting 100% into someone that had doubts on me. But as more time pass, I wouldn't say that I grew skeptical, I would just say that I started seeing things more objectively and rationally. I was holding space for a person who was only able to love me on his conditions. I was holding space for a person who I very much wanted to help but didn't want to help himself. I was holding space for a person who said things and did things for me that didn't come from his heart, that wanted to receive the love and attention from me but didn't want to give any of the energy back. I see it clearly now. I know why breakups aren't truly amicable. I know why you can't be friends with your ex. I know what the unclear boundaries means. It was someone that wants to enjoy the good of you but didn't want to take responsibility for it. I understand why it's so difficult to not end up in a place of hate. 

This whole post-breakup, I was fully immersed into grieving. I looked at all the photos, videos, I got it out of my system. I posted all the vlogs, I cried as I edited them and kept rewatching them. The memories the thoughts, keep coming back to me. Each time I feel like I can't breathe, I couldn't even eat much, I kept getting injured. I guess the fact that I'm ready to type all this out, is another progress forward because the memories are still coming back non stop but I take shorter pauses on them, it affects me lesser now. I feel like my appetite is coming back. I feel stronger about myself and my worth with the support of my friends around me and that my craft is getting recognised. 

Slowly, I'm moving on. Each step I take towards moving on is like a step I take towards reclaiming my own love for myself. I unmatched him on Bumble, cause it was affecting me unnecessarily. I deleted our telegram convo, cause it was affecting me unnecessarily.  Each step I take, I'm losing the huge love I have for you bit by bit. I'm sorry I sound really dramatic here but I am a dramatic person hahaha. There's actually no point on us being mutuals on Instagram anymore too, because what's gone is gone. What's gone can never come back. But right now I'm still not ready to unfollow so I'll respect my heart but I know one day I'll be ready to make that last step too. 

Finally, it feels like not my whole life was about that relationship, or that breakup. Finally I have the headspace to think about things like my dance again. Finally, I don't have to distract myself with dating apps. Finally, I got to show my real self, show my hair condition on social media because I gave up trying to impress on whoever. Finally, I let that obsession with being attractive go. I don't care if you don't find me attractive, I find myself so attractive. 

I'm reassured that people who love me, really love me. And that's enough.

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Super24 and WSB (a showcase performance and competition) was the toughest challenge I ever did right after because of my emotional state. 

But let's stop talking about sadness, let's talk about dance.

SUPER24!

Being in Dylan Mayoral's showcase item taught me things.

1) the way he communicated with his dancers. I feel like every dance thing I join now, that's the only thing I'm paying attention to. How choreographers communicate effectively with the dancers. While being firm and setting expectations.

2) He is an athlete. He is amazing because he trained his body like crazy. If you want to be amazing, you have to train.

WSB!

I need to be honest that I always had doubts about myself as a choreographer. I always believe that I wasn't good at choreographing but I am given the opportunity to work on it and improve. One day after WSB, I went to watch EXHIBIT which brought together many different teams, styles, genres of high levels together. As I watched, I realised something... Almost everyone had their preference towards a certain team. But I appreciated all the teams in different ways. I think I was able to appreciate it because I put myself in those environment through my dance journey. It was definitely a two way thing. I believe in dance as a form of expression and I just want as many tools as possible to express myself. A choreo dancer may see certain teams as being not as clean, a house dancer may see choreography teams as being too flashy, the battlers may feel that freestyle should be incorporated into the showcase choreography, some teams may be labelled as 'contemp' due to lack of understanding of the genre and techniques. But me, I see the beauty of it all. I really enjoyed each piece and I understood why they were beautiful in different ways. Then I realised that as much as people really preach about being open minded and eager to grow, that does not really mean that they resonate with genres being tools of expression. To me, they are just movements that you train your body in. But in this dance scene where a lot of things are set by trends, dancing to RnB looks a certain way. I could be using all the different tools I have in my body to dance to RnB, but thats not the RnB that people want to see. 

At least for me, in this mad world, I want to be that artist, I want to express myself and what I like. I didn't intentionally tried to genre blend, I just used the tools that were already in my body, which happened to be from the many styles that I enjoy and I did it. I think this time I got lucky because the judges enjoyed what I directed and presented, because a part of it feels like to me: I'm showing you this is who I am. And it's your choice whether you like it or not. And I'm very thankful that my dancers trained hard and trusted through this journey together and made this dreamy vision become a reality. Thank you for telling my story. This story will keep evolving with time to come and today my win comes from being one step closer to expressing myself in my own means. I'm also very grateful to be given this acknowledgement as a second runnner up in WSB, it's really the first time I directed something by myself and placed. This is a lot for a girl who told herself she doesn't have a a flair for choreography 1 year ago and just wanted to be a dancer. I'm proud of you Lynette, for creating opportunities yourself and never giving up. We're on this mad journey for the pursuit of something that we'll never know if it's worth it but I'm thankful that this journey was shared with my teammates who were always there for me and tried their best to make this work. By yourself, you can go faster. With a team, you can go further. Thank you for growing with me and letting me grow with you guys!  

I'm so touched I have the headspace to process all these dancey stuff RN. Which I totally wouldn't be able to 1 month ago. GROWTH! YAY~