Just wanna observe these feelings

    Last night, I indulged in a psychology love movie. The 'before' trilogy. I remember watching 'Before Sunrise' not long after my breakup. I remember feeling extremely sad, going through all the emotions. Two people passionately in love, not knowing better, just intoxicated. The movie explores love, loss, what ifs... Is it only this special because it only happened for a short period of time? Any 'more' of it, it wouldn't be as special, as magical, as lasting. Is it more sacred because we knew we won't ever see each other again. 

    A year and half later, I sprained my back and decided to stay up one night and watch a movie. I went for 'Before Sunset'. The story continues on with the two main characters meeting again after 9 years. They didn't know they would meet. But in their own ways, they were doing things in search for the other person in this big wide world. The night was so impactful that the guy wrote a book about it, it became the best seller. He was hoping this book would reach her. The lady who was in the main character in the book happened to come across the book and came for his book press release. The lady also worked in New York for a period of time hoping she would meet him among the passerby. The guy now married with a son, the lady in a relationship. Yet the deepest part of them still yearn to see each other after 9 years. For the 9 years, they each have been holding on to this special night they met from 9 years ago. They never knew and probably wondered a million times were they the only one feeling this way. What a beautiful story right? Because in the end, after the crazy 9 years, they got to know that the longing was mutual. 

    This is the part my story comes in. This time when I watched the second trilogy, all my mind could think about was you. I thought to myself, it's been a year and a half. I was 28, now I'm 30. It's crazy how much impact you have on me still. Last night at 2am I really wanted to write all these thoughts now. But I push it away, telling myself "it's just late nights, don't let it get to you, go to sleep and tomorrow it'll pass".  Today, I got home from work. It didn't pass. I'm writing this wide awake, sober at 8pm on a Monday night. I decided to write about how I still feel for you today.

    Is it bad? To give power to these feelings? To acknowledge that I'm still feeling for you. I don't think it's bad because the greatest artists probably felt the deepest. Something probably impacted them so much, and they willingly let it impact on them so much more, so that it could be a source of their inspiration for their art. Of course I've moved on. Moving on means it doesn't hurt anymore. But doesn't mean it doesn't love anymore. Quoting from the movie: 

The girl says: "Memories are wonderful things if we don't have to deal with the past."

The guy replies: "The memory never finishes as long as you are alive." 

I think not dealing, not because it's bad. But because it was too good and you can't afford the uncertainty of it turning bad, of it not living up to how it was. The disappointment. It's the endless hope... the hope doesn't end as long as you are alive. I remember when we broke up, one of the last few things I said to you was "our memory of each other will stop here, we will become strangers. The person you know now will never exist in the future. I only know you up to the version of you that got this tattoo." And same, you don't know the version of me now that shaved all my hair away, got way more tattoos since then. And since the memories don't hurt anymore, I can say I'm thinking with my very rational mind right now, a small part of me still wishes I could see you again. I'm so curious who are you now after all these time. There isn't heaviness, there isn't sadness, it's just the tempting thought of hope, of what if there was another chance, what if things could turn out differently?  The movie really portrayed this feeling very well which I feel like I'm not expressing it well. It's so subtle, it's something we don't given talk about or try not to think about, yet it still exists. And once in a while, you selfishly wonder does the other person feel the same way too? And maybe in this type of situation, memories should stay as good memories and we should let it rest. 

    Have I? I did. I've thought of reaching out probably a thousand times. And I've stopped myself a thousand times more. Not for the fear that I would seem needy, or obsessive, but for the fear that those protected memories will not be beautiful anymore. That’s not denial. That’s not avoidance. That’s reverence. Some loves are so formative that they become part of who you are, not something you fix, finish, or resolve. You were my person. A part of me wonder if you knew. I'm not heartbroken. I'm achieving in my life. I just don't know what to do with all these feelings I still have for you. 

The beauty of how they let this feeling linger on without doing anything about it. Yet fate brings them together again, they still don't have courage to act on it. But they still feel. For each other. The beauty is not in the reunion. It’s in the restraint. It’s in two people carrying something precious for years and not spending it, because spending it might destroy it. It’s in choosing to feel without owning. To love without proof. To hold without touching.

Some loves are not meant to be resolved. They are meant to be carried. We'll never know if the risk is worth. We'll never know. And that’s precisely why the feeling stays alive. Some people never feel something like this at all. Some people feel it once, and it echoes forever.