What if I'm someone who can only be loved from a distance? Because from too close, I am all too much.

 The ocean never apologises for its depth, and neither should you.

It's almost like I could smell it from afar. Street signs, warning lights, Nothing even happened, just a 'hi'.  Yet I am spiralling down this rabbit hole. Overwhelmed with nothing but the possibilities of anything. I sense fear, my body, my mind, reminding me of what once happened. I know if it has to happen, it will still happen. But how do I let myself go and wear my heart on my sleeves again. The most absurd part of it all is that nothing has happened. The more of the world you see, the more you realise how huge this world is. You get excited, you also get weary. I don't wanna float in this void forever. A place and person to call home, a romantic die-hard's simplest and hardest wish. This time, I get reminded of you not because it's you, but because that feeling was last associated with you. Two years passed, I'm ageing, my cells are dying, yet the silent ache and echo never fades. It gets softer, but it gets deeper and deeper- as if it's drilled in. And while this ache silently engulfs us as the night falls, it's a mere reflection of how loud the silence feels especially after a long, fulfilling and inspiring day. When I'm left alone, wondering if I really deserve all those good things. It seems like no matter how big the celebration, there will always be a part that gets emptier and emptier. 

People forget that they are attracted to me because of my bubbly, cheerful, child-like demeanour, but it wasn't a lack of pain. It was pain getting Oscars in acting. At the end of the day, I will still be drawn to the darkness because the deepest part of me knows them, feels safe there. 

I think the next few days I need to come home to myself and realign a little before I move again.