A sporadic mess
Recovery Day 4 28/08/18
Hello readers.
I'm blogging again at 3am because I'm really removing all the restrictions and limits I have on myself. I just wanna do the things I wanna do. Even though 3am is the time to sleep, I don't want to put off my thoughts, I feel like talking to someone.. Here I am! :)
Random thoughts always come and go, I may have even said this in my blog before but it was something fresh in mind...
I've always felt pretty upset that since I've been dancing for so long, I seldom get compliments anymore. I know that we shouldn't dance for other's compliments but especially ever since it was became a job, dancing well became an expectation. I know I dance not bad, but people take it as a given that I'm a good dancer since it's my career. I really miss those feelings where I perform and people would tell me, you're a really good dancer. I've had a lot of those compliments when I just started out dancing, and now I barely hear it anymore...
Looking from another perspective, maybe I just need to have a breakthrough, to be better than what other people expect from me. Maybe they expect me to just be good but I shall be excellent and marvellous so that people will be taken aback and tell me I'm good again! :)
Also, another thing I wanna talk about is my Tinder experience HAHA
Ever since my breakup, I joined Tinder (I believe many people do when they just breakup as a distraction). Actually I joined before I was in a relationship so I guess this is counted as a re-join? Many interesting and uninteresting things and people I've met on Tinder. And I knew that day was going to come when I saw my ex's profile on Tinder LOL. TBH I was a little outraged at that moment but after I swiped no I was like, what for? I'm on tinder too it's equal LOL. So I've been swiping through late nights, and having mindless conversations with so many people that left vague impressions on me. Going through the introduction again and again... while knowing that it won't get anywhere as I was still recovering from the relationship and because I still think it's too risky to trust someone more than 50% again. HAHA
Something about Tinder that made me upset sometimes was how guys will mention about my height. I mean I put it the first thing, the first sentence, the first word in my profile because I didn't wanna waste time. I know I have an average face?? and look nice when I smile so according to attractiveness I guess I'm pretty normal, but I know a lot of guys wouldn't date girls taller than them. So I just put it right there, I was thinking long and hard of how to put it so clear that they wouldn't miss it. Because there are still many times guys talk to me and the conversation goes well, they find out about my height and MIA. HAHA Also many times (maybe even more) that I MIA on them because I get super bored and reply everyone at once and then feel that it's super lame and superficial and do not log in for weeks then start swiping for new matches again. Basically it's mindless and .. not a very useful platform HAHA.
However, I did meet a few people on Tinder that were very nice people and I met up with them numerous times. Chatted a lot about life with them. However, the sad thing was that all of these new friendships was fleeting. R is a singer and he does gigs. Was having his holiday after army and recently entered uni. He's cool, funny and retarded. We meet often, he would talk about his music, dreams and I could relate it to my dance. We texted every day and after a half a year, the texts became lesser and recently he got into a relationship.
Before I continue, I would like to clarify that I really treated these people as my friends and talked to them in the most bro way because I was so bored, I didn't really have much friends around me since my old friends have left and I'm so busy working that people just assume that I'm busy and don't ask me out.. And when I wanna go out, or need a friend, there's really no one as I scroll through my contact list.
WJ is a army boy (that I talked to for the longest, just that now i'm a little lazy to reply humans on texts), talked to him when he was in army till he ORD-ed recently and started his uni. He's nice and attentive. We meet once in a while and there really isn't much in common to talk about. He's the typical example of how when I tell someone of my dreams and they tell me studies is more important. Yea, I guess you get the gist of it. (SHIT will they read my blog I hope not) No matter how slow I reply, he's always there.. but there really isn't much to talk about.
B has been a working adult for many years and he's weird, different and interesting. People's differing POV and thoughts always interest me but it was always so hard for me to wrap my head around his mindsets. At the same time because the things he share with me are things that are sooo far from my experience, it's really interesting for me and makes me curious. He talks very well, is very smart but sometimes he feels so sad.. It's not like i'm interested in him but as a friend as a human, I wish I could give him some comfort, some positivity and make him feel better sometimes. We often met for supper, as he stays (relatively) near me. Our texts also got lesser and lesser as he seems to be very busy with work. Seeing him say that he's happy on insta makes me feel happy too :) Happy that he's found friends who care at his workplace!
They've shared quite abit of their lives with me within a very short period, but I seldom really share much about my life. I still can't really talk about my family problems, my problems just like that. I used to be someone who can't wait to share about myself, my life, I rarely gave my friends a chance to talk, the topic was always about me. But nowadays, I wish that I can be a friend when they need someone to talk to and I wish that they knew lesser about me. Because.. if they knew they wouldn't be able to accept me.
Generally, I feel that people on Tinder are just lonely people. & I feel like i've said this before, there's nothing wrong to feel lonely. As we grow up, I'm sure we all feel more and more alone. Sure, there are desperate and weird people too on Tinder. But many of them (us) are actually just lonely and need a friend to talk to. I just wish that the friendship wasn't so short or isn't such another social connection because.. I've always put my heart people that I'm talking to and I genuine mean them well. It's tiring after awhile that all you've thrown in is just... something so temporary.
Somewhere in my mind, I keep wondering will I ever be ready for a r/s. Will I ever be deserving of a r/s. It's not that I don't want a r/s but this thought scares me so much that I rather pretend to be focusing on my dreams and aspiration. I rather be so busy working my life away instead of falling in love.
I don't really know how to describe this feeling I'm feeling right now. It's a feeling that my life is so boring, I don't really like it, I wish I could go out there and live some dreams, do some things that people would call crazy, do somethings that everyone wouldn't. At the same time, the motivation isn't sufficient for me to pull my shit and get my life together. Is this learned helplessness? Am I afraid of failing after failing so many times that I decided to not try again so that I will not fail again?
I don't know why I dislike the conventional pathway so much. I hate being safe, it makes me feel like I'm not living. I don't think there's anything bad about the conventional pathway.. but maybe the fact that everyone is just following it blindly makes me not want to follow it.
Really wish something could get my motivation together.. really wish I can get myself together.
Imagine how the world would be like, if everyone stayed in love, if everyone stayed offline~
(my jam these days)
ANYWAYSSSSS
today I didn't go to sch, had a YOLO impromptu night after BBOY training ytd. Went to sing K and even though i'm not as close to them as they are to each other just because i'm an instructor theres this invisible divide LOL. But it was fun. I don't really understand why people rationalize that it's bad to be impromptu, spontaneous and stay out late at night. It's fun, it makes me happy. Just because I'm 22 I should be matured enough and know it better? I really don't get it LOL I mean people are so scared to fall into this category of irrational/ FOMO/ generally just bad? It's like how does clubbing make me someone bad? I drink, I dance and I have a fun night with my friends, if there was clubbing in the day I would go too just because I like playing and socializing. I didn't do anything wrong?
Back to yesterday, so got home really late and skipped the first day of school today. Anyway I know this professor's style, he's just gonna go through the course syllabus for 20 mins and dismiss the class early so what's the point of commuting 3 hours for that LOLLOL. Went for DF meeting, settled a bunch of stuffs since i'm the chairman and stage manager running the concert this year. I swear I'm doing it for the experience. Knowing/ learning one thing more, you'll never know how it may benefit us in the future! However, I could sense that as concert is approaching, everyone is feeling more stressed up and tensed, I hope every one can pull through this! It won't be easy but it'll be worth it!
Mini rant!! I used to think that when people say that they are really busy and need your help, they're really busy so even though I'm real busy too, I try my best to help in whatever ways I can be it sacrificing my sleep. I know i'm very helpful right hahaha. Nowadays, I start to realise that people just way that they are busy so that they can throw the task at you/ someone else and do one lesser task themselves. They won't even spare a thought of how busy you are, you are the one that's willingly being so nice and helpful. They do it just because it benefits them. And you do it cause it benefits them. It's stupid, I am stupid. Now even if I wanna stay up late, do nothing and watch drama, it's my choice and I don't want to stay up late to complete some work for your convenience. I think I've always known that people always take advantage of my kindness, but now i've establish another fact that it is for their mini convenience irregardless of your huge inconvenience..
humans are really selfish.
OKAY that rant was not mini at all. After which travelled back to AMK to teach 2 classes (i'm a little tired now and losing my train of thought)
Things i'm thankful for today:
1) Asking for help and not trying to do everything alone. As much as I know the feeling of someone else burdening their responsibilities on me, it's comforting to know that when you distribute downwards, others are actually very willing to help me lighten my burden too :)
2) Thankful for people who understood my intentions, not of wanting to be bossy but just meaning well for the whole project to go well. Whenever I spearhead projects, I always question what is the right tone to use. I don't wanna sound like I'm of higher power than them and order them around but when I look at how slow things move in meetings just because we wanna hear everyone's opinion and ensure that everyone is on the same page, i'm honestly a little impatient. So i'm trying to lead in a way where I try to understand each of their concerns and say it in a way that is sensitive to them and in a way that they can understand me best!
3) Being on time for teaching class today. I mentioned that I overslept for my 7pm class last week OMG I think i'm really more functional when I do more than 1 thing a day! Also, realised that after our routine weekly basics drill, majority of my hiphop students actually have stronger rhythm sense in their body than those stronger kpop dancers. Even though they may not see or realise the difference, I'm happy to see that the drills and consistency did have an effect and paid off!
4) Nettezens for being really understanding every time i'm confused by the formations I plan haha! Because me being me, I don't like doing things that I've done before or repeating the same thing too many times so I always try experimenting with new formations and ideas ... Which means I have little past experience to tap on and it doesn't always turn out well! And somehow I realise I don't really explain myself well (I used to be worst when I just started teaching, now I think I've improved a lot already and I know how to talk in a way that is easiest for them to learn and understand) but when it comes to formations, I feel like I still give my instructions in a very confusing way. Hopefully with more practice ahead it'll become better and I'll also work on being more mindful of the situation and letting my mouth catch up with my brain hahah (I always have a lot of ideas but my mouth- language is always too slow for my brain LOL)
5) Consecutive 2 weeks of late night supper (dinner) after dance class! I always eat all my meals alone and it's a nice feeling to just sit down with a few friends, chit chat and eat Fairprice sushi hehe.
6) My mom being back from Malaysia!! When she's at home to nag at me, I feel less of a sloth haha!
7) School starting! I'm actually happy that the new semester has started again so that I have things to do, have a more routined schedule and can function more normally!
8) That 2 minutes plank feels like a no kick for me and 4 minutes 30 ssecs plank seems bearable now too HAHA
9) That I got to watch my drama today (While you were sleeping), which reminded me of how much a hopeless romantic I am that can't stop screaming when they kiss and crying when they cant't get together LMAO.
10) That I have no school tomorrow HURRAWWWWWWW
Kudos, let's let life pick up bit by bit.
As what I always say, do small things with great love.
A new fav: There's no fear in love.
LEGGO GUYS! There may be 10000 fears every day consistently non stop but let's keep overcoming and conquering it!!
Hello readers.
I'm blogging again at 3am because I'm really removing all the restrictions and limits I have on myself. I just wanna do the things I wanna do. Even though 3am is the time to sleep, I don't want to put off my thoughts, I feel like talking to someone.. Here I am! :)
Random thoughts always come and go, I may have even said this in my blog before but it was something fresh in mind...
I've always felt pretty upset that since I've been dancing for so long, I seldom get compliments anymore. I know that we shouldn't dance for other's compliments but especially ever since it was became a job, dancing well became an expectation. I know I dance not bad, but people take it as a given that I'm a good dancer since it's my career. I really miss those feelings where I perform and people would tell me, you're a really good dancer. I've had a lot of those compliments when I just started out dancing, and now I barely hear it anymore...
Looking from another perspective, maybe I just need to have a breakthrough, to be better than what other people expect from me. Maybe they expect me to just be good but I shall be excellent and marvellous so that people will be taken aback and tell me I'm good again! :)
Also, another thing I wanna talk about is my Tinder experience HAHA
Ever since my breakup, I joined Tinder (I believe many people do when they just breakup as a distraction). Actually I joined before I was in a relationship so I guess this is counted as a re-join? Many interesting and uninteresting things and people I've met on Tinder. And I knew that day was going to come when I saw my ex's profile on Tinder LOL. TBH I was a little outraged at that moment but after I swiped no I was like, what for? I'm on tinder too it's equal LOL. So I've been swiping through late nights, and having mindless conversations with so many people that left vague impressions on me. Going through the introduction again and again... while knowing that it won't get anywhere as I was still recovering from the relationship and because I still think it's too risky to trust someone more than 50% again. HAHA
Something about Tinder that made me upset sometimes was how guys will mention about my height. I mean I put it the first thing, the first sentence, the first word in my profile because I didn't wanna waste time. I know I have an average face?? and look nice when I smile so according to attractiveness I guess I'm pretty normal, but I know a lot of guys wouldn't date girls taller than them. So I just put it right there, I was thinking long and hard of how to put it so clear that they wouldn't miss it. Because there are still many times guys talk to me and the conversation goes well, they find out about my height and MIA. HAHA Also many times (maybe even more) that I MIA on them because I get super bored and reply everyone at once and then feel that it's super lame and superficial and do not log in for weeks then start swiping for new matches again. Basically it's mindless and .. not a very useful platform HAHA.
However, I did meet a few people on Tinder that were very nice people and I met up with them numerous times. Chatted a lot about life with them. However, the sad thing was that all of these new friendships was fleeting. R is a singer and he does gigs. Was having his holiday after army and recently entered uni. He's cool, funny and retarded. We meet often, he would talk about his music, dreams and I could relate it to my dance. We texted every day and after a half a year, the texts became lesser and recently he got into a relationship.
Before I continue, I would like to clarify that I really treated these people as my friends and talked to them in the most bro way because I was so bored, I didn't really have much friends around me since my old friends have left and I'm so busy working that people just assume that I'm busy and don't ask me out.. And when I wanna go out, or need a friend, there's really no one as I scroll through my contact list.
WJ is a army boy (that I talked to for the longest, just that now i'm a little lazy to reply humans on texts), talked to him when he was in army till he ORD-ed recently and started his uni. He's nice and attentive. We meet once in a while and there really isn't much in common to talk about. He's the typical example of how when I tell someone of my dreams and they tell me studies is more important. Yea, I guess you get the gist of it. (SHIT will they read my blog I hope not) No matter how slow I reply, he's always there.. but there really isn't much to talk about.
B has been a working adult for many years and he's weird, different and interesting. People's differing POV and thoughts always interest me but it was always so hard for me to wrap my head around his mindsets. At the same time because the things he share with me are things that are sooo far from my experience, it's really interesting for me and makes me curious. He talks very well, is very smart but sometimes he feels so sad.. It's not like i'm interested in him but as a friend as a human, I wish I could give him some comfort, some positivity and make him feel better sometimes. We often met for supper, as he stays (relatively) near me. Our texts also got lesser and lesser as he seems to be very busy with work. Seeing him say that he's happy on insta makes me feel happy too :) Happy that he's found friends who care at his workplace!
They've shared quite abit of their lives with me within a very short period, but I seldom really share much about my life. I still can't really talk about my family problems, my problems just like that. I used to be someone who can't wait to share about myself, my life, I rarely gave my friends a chance to talk, the topic was always about me. But nowadays, I wish that I can be a friend when they need someone to talk to and I wish that they knew lesser about me. Because.. if they knew they wouldn't be able to accept me.
Generally, I feel that people on Tinder are just lonely people. & I feel like i've said this before, there's nothing wrong to feel lonely. As we grow up, I'm sure we all feel more and more alone. Sure, there are desperate and weird people too on Tinder. But many of them (us) are actually just lonely and need a friend to talk to. I just wish that the friendship wasn't so short or isn't such another social connection because.. I've always put my heart people that I'm talking to and I genuine mean them well. It's tiring after awhile that all you've thrown in is just... something so temporary.
Somewhere in my mind, I keep wondering will I ever be ready for a r/s. Will I ever be deserving of a r/s. It's not that I don't want a r/s but this thought scares me so much that I rather pretend to be focusing on my dreams and aspiration. I rather be so busy working my life away instead of falling in love.
I don't really know how to describe this feeling I'm feeling right now. It's a feeling that my life is so boring, I don't really like it, I wish I could go out there and live some dreams, do some things that people would call crazy, do somethings that everyone wouldn't. At the same time, the motivation isn't sufficient for me to pull my shit and get my life together. Is this learned helplessness? Am I afraid of failing after failing so many times that I decided to not try again so that I will not fail again?
I don't know why I dislike the conventional pathway so much. I hate being safe, it makes me feel like I'm not living. I don't think there's anything bad about the conventional pathway.. but maybe the fact that everyone is just following it blindly makes me not want to follow it.
Really wish something could get my motivation together.. really wish I can get myself together.
Imagine how the world would be like, if everyone stayed in love, if everyone stayed offline~
(my jam these days)
ANYWAYSSSSS
today I didn't go to sch, had a YOLO impromptu night after BBOY training ytd. Went to sing K and even though i'm not as close to them as they are to each other just because i'm an instructor theres this invisible divide LOL. But it was fun. I don't really understand why people rationalize that it's bad to be impromptu, spontaneous and stay out late at night. It's fun, it makes me happy. Just because I'm 22 I should be matured enough and know it better? I really don't get it LOL I mean people are so scared to fall into this category of irrational/ FOMO/ generally just bad? It's like how does clubbing make me someone bad? I drink, I dance and I have a fun night with my friends, if there was clubbing in the day I would go too just because I like playing and socializing. I didn't do anything wrong?
Back to yesterday, so got home really late and skipped the first day of school today. Anyway I know this professor's style, he's just gonna go through the course syllabus for 20 mins and dismiss the class early so what's the point of commuting 3 hours for that LOLLOL. Went for DF meeting, settled a bunch of stuffs since i'm the chairman and stage manager running the concert this year. I swear I'm doing it for the experience. Knowing/ learning one thing more, you'll never know how it may benefit us in the future! However, I could sense that as concert is approaching, everyone is feeling more stressed up and tensed, I hope every one can pull through this! It won't be easy but it'll be worth it!
Mini rant!! I used to think that when people say that they are really busy and need your help, they're really busy so even though I'm real busy too, I try my best to help in whatever ways I can be it sacrificing my sleep. I know i'm very helpful right hahaha. Nowadays, I start to realise that people just way that they are busy so that they can throw the task at you/ someone else and do one lesser task themselves. They won't even spare a thought of how busy you are, you are the one that's willingly being so nice and helpful. They do it just because it benefits them. And you do it cause it benefits them. It's stupid, I am stupid. Now even if I wanna stay up late, do nothing and watch drama, it's my choice and I don't want to stay up late to complete some work for your convenience. I think I've always known that people always take advantage of my kindness, but now i've establish another fact that it is for their mini convenience irregardless of your huge inconvenience..
humans are really selfish.
OKAY that rant was not mini at all. After which travelled back to AMK to teach 2 classes (i'm a little tired now and losing my train of thought)
Things i'm thankful for today:
1) Asking for help and not trying to do everything alone. As much as I know the feeling of someone else burdening their responsibilities on me, it's comforting to know that when you distribute downwards, others are actually very willing to help me lighten my burden too :)
2) Thankful for people who understood my intentions, not of wanting to be bossy but just meaning well for the whole project to go well. Whenever I spearhead projects, I always question what is the right tone to use. I don't wanna sound like I'm of higher power than them and order them around but when I look at how slow things move in meetings just because we wanna hear everyone's opinion and ensure that everyone is on the same page, i'm honestly a little impatient. So i'm trying to lead in a way where I try to understand each of their concerns and say it in a way that is sensitive to them and in a way that they can understand me best!
3) Being on time for teaching class today. I mentioned that I overslept for my 7pm class last week OMG I think i'm really more functional when I do more than 1 thing a day! Also, realised that after our routine weekly basics drill, majority of my hiphop students actually have stronger rhythm sense in their body than those stronger kpop dancers. Even though they may not see or realise the difference, I'm happy to see that the drills and consistency did have an effect and paid off!
4) Nettezens for being really understanding every time i'm confused by the formations I plan haha! Because me being me, I don't like doing things that I've done before or repeating the same thing too many times so I always try experimenting with new formations and ideas ... Which means I have little past experience to tap on and it doesn't always turn out well! And somehow I realise I don't really explain myself well (I used to be worst when I just started teaching, now I think I've improved a lot already and I know how to talk in a way that is easiest for them to learn and understand) but when it comes to formations, I feel like I still give my instructions in a very confusing way. Hopefully with more practice ahead it'll become better and I'll also work on being more mindful of the situation and letting my mouth catch up with my brain hahah (I always have a lot of ideas but my mouth- language is always too slow for my brain LOL)
5) Consecutive 2 weeks of late night supper (dinner) after dance class! I always eat all my meals alone and it's a nice feeling to just sit down with a few friends, chit chat and eat Fairprice sushi hehe.
6) My mom being back from Malaysia!! When she's at home to nag at me, I feel less of a sloth haha!
7) School starting! I'm actually happy that the new semester has started again so that I have things to do, have a more routined schedule and can function more normally!
8) That 2 minutes plank feels like a no kick for me and 4 minutes 30 ssecs plank seems bearable now too HAHA
9) That I got to watch my drama today (While you were sleeping), which reminded me of how much a hopeless romantic I am that can't stop screaming when they kiss and crying when they cant't get together LMAO.
10) That I have no school tomorrow HURRAWWWWWWW
Kudos, let's let life pick up bit by bit.
As what I always say, do small things with great love.
A new fav: There's no fear in love.
LEGGO GUYS! There may be 10000 fears every day consistently non stop but let's keep overcoming and conquering it!!
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