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Hello readers, i'm here again ! WOHOO
Okay recently (not so recently, but maybe for the past 1 year) I find myself keep getting stuck in the situation where there are things I have to do but I can't proceed until someone else does his job. It's so frustrating because it is supposed to be done way earlier and faster but everyone's using the excuse of they're so busy right and I just happen to be that somebody, who can't stand the way things are and that some dumb body who is willing to sacrifice my not so busy time to do the work that that is not mine so that my own work which proceeds it will not be affected?! and also since we're working in the same organization, having a sense of excellence in what i'm doing makes me have a sense of excellence for the whole project which is resulting in me doing work outside of what i need to do again because no one is willing to do it. Everyone's just scraping the surface and ticking things off to-do-lists and yeah i mind it so much and can't stand it so much that I have to do it :) GOOD JOB NETTE, for finding things for yourself to do and not being appreciated. <: nbsp="" p="">
At age 22, my realisation is that we live in this world where everyone's so busy with their own shit. Everyone's got their own life and everyone's becoming more protective of their own life and less willing to give a part of themselves/ their time for others.
Let's talk about what am I struggling with and what I find tough with...
1) Dance, it is something that maybe in my whole life i'm best at, but something i struggle a lot with CONSTANTLY. I know I'm not up to standard as a teacher/ choreographer and there may be a lot of people talking behind my back wondering how am I who I am. But you gotta acknowledge that I do have my strengths and I'm not entirely a rotten apple. I still have a lot to learn, but I'm humbly catching up. I never said that I'm deserving of all these, never said that i'm the best. I constantly lose my drive and motivation with the different things i'm facing these days but on good days, i still push myself to be my best. I'm always caught between re-affirming myself that I am good enough to continue being a teacher, or putting all this to a halt and building up my skills first. I can definitely do both at the same time but being a teacher takes up a lot of time where it could have been learning time, so my progress will definitely be slower. I tell myself I am ok with this as I'm learning while given the opportunity to teach too, but I always let people's opinion of me pull me down. I really think I'm not great and I really think that people don't think I'm a great dancer. I really wanna change that fact since it's bothering me so much. To what extent do I believe in myself and to what extent do I listen to the feedbacks? Life is so frustrating. I wish there is someone who can talk this out with me and offer me some suggestions from a third person perspective. Someone who won't just tell me, you're not good enough you're not ready. Someone who would really understand me.
<: nbsp="" p="">
<: nbsp="" p="">I'm thankful for students that have stuck by, believing in me. LIKE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. WHO BELIEVE IN WHAT I DO ALWAYS BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE MYSELF.
2) PEOPLE?
I'm being very open and real about this.. I realized that I really have problem trusting people? It's not in the BGR relationship sense where I love you and but I can't trust you that you are loyal to me or I can't trust that you won't leave me.. but it's also in some sense the same thing where.. in working relationships or friendships, I can't trust people. For example, when people compliment me and tell me my work is good, or when students tell me how much they like my lesson and want to stay with me. I never take their word seriously. Okay maybe this isn't an issue of trust anymore.. But I just don't wanna take anyone's words for real because I don't want disappointment in the future. So I decided to take everyone's words very lightly, as if they don't really mean it and only to trust myself.
Somehow everyone's being so "jaded" like life's like this, human's like that.. that you are not expected to feel any more disappointment cause you should have known better this was going to happen.
It made me very upset because it greatly contradicts my personality who is someone overly- optimistic in both good and bad ways. Is there even a point in complaining to someone when their respond is that "you should have known better"? I always believe in the greater good of humans.. and that nothing is fixed, it's not a dead end yet, you can try, you can make a difference. But everyone's telling me to stop trying, forget about it. there's nothing i can do in my power.
Somehow maybe i'm applying this attitude that the world taught me to my relationships. That everything is superficial, everything is temporary, people only care about themselves and that's how the world works. So theres no point in investing in a relationship, because friends will leave you. You don't wanna feel upset when your friend can cheer another friend up when they're upset but honestly you always feel like shit but your friend doesn't cheer you up. So to avoid that feeling, you tell yourselves that they are just passerbys, you don't mean that much to them.
Sorry I think i'm like linking point A to point Z but you know how negative thinking works right, it's a downward spiral HAHA
3) FAMILY/ MOM.
I'm really very emotionally affected by it. AT the same time it feels like theres no one I can talk to. This feeling is horrible, i feel suffocated, unmotivated and feel like dying. Not suicide dying but my heart just feels dead. Because there's no one to talk to, I tell myself to cover it up, to be strong. To put on a pretense, an act that nothing is bothering me and that I'm strong. Idk what to say.. I can say that you have no idea how much i'm going through and it's really so hard.. but I can also say that what i'm going through is not so hard cause maybe you feel that what you're going through is much harsher. But the point is not to compare who deserves more sympathy but just to say that I wish someone was here to listen to me at times like this.
You know that feeling when someone can make you feel so horrible about yourself, not because you're really horrible but because you made someone else feel horrible? That feeling when someone whom you love a lot, tells you that they don't love you and thinks that you don't love her. Someone that obviously loves you but telling you that they want to die because I don't love her. Telling you that the reason she live is for me, but the reason i live is not for her. So she should die. This is so wrong in so many ways but sometimes I feel like the more you know about something, the more it hurts.
Before I was majoring in psychology, I already frequently experienced family problems but it didn't affect me that greatly. Or maybe it did just that I got over it now looking back. Now that this is the field that I study, and the reason why I was determined to be a psy major was because my mom has depression, the more it hurts because I can't do things to improve the situation.
<: nbsp="" p=""> IDK how busy or how tough people's lives are. But for the first time, I wanna tell you that.. i'm having a really rough time now, I feel like shit. It's not an easy task at all to be coping with death threats on a daily basis while juggling with school, classes and running a production. Maybe your life struggles are worst (the mindset that i always had and told myself to push on in the past), but I'm really struggling now.
At the same time I feel so sorry for the works that I haven't been producing up to quality. I feel so sorry for not coping in school at all, skipping classes and wanting to help myself but I really wish I wasn't alone. I literally have no one to ask to for help.
I don't have much school nowadays, only twice weekly and so much spare time on my hands, but I'm just idling around, sleeping late, waking up late because my motivation is on a all-time low. I'm feeling the burnout since forever and never seem to be recovering from it...
At times like this when it's really tough, makes me miss you just a little.. You would understand where I'm coming from, you would listen to me.. you would scold me from the best intentions, you would give me suggestions. Maybe I don't miss you but I just miss that figure who was a company.
why is life so hard, why am i so alone. I hate being so needy. But I really can't do life by myself. Life is so meaningless when you do everything by yourself. When you are always by yourself. But I don't just need anybody or attention, I need someone who truly cares about me and has my best intention at heart. I need someone to complain to and say:"my mom's depression is acting up again.. I'm feeling shitty." I feel so empty when I realize theres no such someone I can tell that to that I have to post on social media. I feel so needy. OMG
OK all this is not meant to sound ultra depressing, but it's just me reasoning, and clearing my thoughts with myself. I'm not crying as I type this but I just wanna acknowledge these feelings inside me, and that even if one person cares enough to read this post, to say that I haven't been so okay, thank you for your time to listen to my rants, I'll try to be okay soon.
this is so contradicting.
OMG
I WILL BE STRONG
I WILL CONTINUE TRYING TO BE STRONG
IT'S FUCKING HARD AND TOUGH
BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO TRY TO BE OK BY MYSELF
Okay recently (not so recently, but maybe for the past 1 year) I find myself keep getting stuck in the situation where there are things I have to do but I can't proceed until someone else does his job. It's so frustrating because it is supposed to be done way earlier and faster but everyone's using the excuse of they're so busy right and I just happen to be that somebody, who can't stand the way things are and that some dumb body who is willing to sacrifice my not so busy time to do the work that that is not mine so that my own work which proceeds it will not be affected?! and also since we're working in the same organization, having a sense of excellence in what i'm doing makes me have a sense of excellence for the whole project which is resulting in me doing work outside of what i need to do again because no one is willing to do it. Everyone's just scraping the surface and ticking things off to-do-lists and yeah i mind it so much and can't stand it so much that I have to do it :) GOOD JOB NETTE, for finding things for yourself to do and not being appreciated. <: nbsp="" p="">
At age 22, my realisation is that we live in this world where everyone's so busy with their own shit. Everyone's got their own life and everyone's becoming more protective of their own life and less willing to give a part of themselves/ their time for others.
Let's talk about what am I struggling with and what I find tough with...
1) Dance, it is something that maybe in my whole life i'm best at, but something i struggle a lot with CONSTANTLY. I know I'm not up to standard as a teacher/ choreographer and there may be a lot of people talking behind my back wondering how am I who I am. But you gotta acknowledge that I do have my strengths and I'm not entirely a rotten apple. I still have a lot to learn, but I'm humbly catching up. I never said that I'm deserving of all these, never said that i'm the best. I constantly lose my drive and motivation with the different things i'm facing these days but on good days, i still push myself to be my best. I'm always caught between re-affirming myself that I am good enough to continue being a teacher, or putting all this to a halt and building up my skills first. I can definitely do both at the same time but being a teacher takes up a lot of time where it could have been learning time, so my progress will definitely be slower. I tell myself I am ok with this as I'm learning while given the opportunity to teach too, but I always let people's opinion of me pull me down. I really think I'm not great and I really think that people don't think I'm a great dancer. I really wanna change that fact since it's bothering me so much. To what extent do I believe in myself and to what extent do I listen to the feedbacks? Life is so frustrating. I wish there is someone who can talk this out with me and offer me some suggestions from a third person perspective. Someone who won't just tell me, you're not good enough you're not ready. Someone who would really understand me.
<: nbsp="" p="">
<: nbsp="" p="">I'm thankful for students that have stuck by, believing in me. LIKE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. WHO BELIEVE IN WHAT I DO ALWAYS BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE MYSELF.
2) PEOPLE?
I'm being very open and real about this.. I realized that I really have problem trusting people? It's not in the BGR relationship sense where I love you and but I can't trust you that you are loyal to me or I can't trust that you won't leave me.. but it's also in some sense the same thing where.. in working relationships or friendships, I can't trust people. For example, when people compliment me and tell me my work is good, or when students tell me how much they like my lesson and want to stay with me. I never take their word seriously. Okay maybe this isn't an issue of trust anymore.. But I just don't wanna take anyone's words for real because I don't want disappointment in the future. So I decided to take everyone's words very lightly, as if they don't really mean it and only to trust myself.
Somehow everyone's being so "jaded" like life's like this, human's like that.. that you are not expected to feel any more disappointment cause you should have known better this was going to happen.
It made me very upset because it greatly contradicts my personality who is someone overly- optimistic in both good and bad ways. Is there even a point in complaining to someone when their respond is that "you should have known better"? I always believe in the greater good of humans.. and that nothing is fixed, it's not a dead end yet, you can try, you can make a difference. But everyone's telling me to stop trying, forget about it. there's nothing i can do in my power.
Somehow maybe i'm applying this attitude that the world taught me to my relationships. That everything is superficial, everything is temporary, people only care about themselves and that's how the world works. So theres no point in investing in a relationship, because friends will leave you. You don't wanna feel upset when your friend can cheer another friend up when they're upset but honestly you always feel like shit but your friend doesn't cheer you up. So to avoid that feeling, you tell yourselves that they are just passerbys, you don't mean that much to them.
Sorry I think i'm like linking point A to point Z but you know how negative thinking works right, it's a downward spiral HAHA
3) FAMILY/ MOM.
I'm really very emotionally affected by it. AT the same time it feels like theres no one I can talk to. This feeling is horrible, i feel suffocated, unmotivated and feel like dying. Not suicide dying but my heart just feels dead. Because there's no one to talk to, I tell myself to cover it up, to be strong. To put on a pretense, an act that nothing is bothering me and that I'm strong. Idk what to say.. I can say that you have no idea how much i'm going through and it's really so hard.. but I can also say that what i'm going through is not so hard cause maybe you feel that what you're going through is much harsher. But the point is not to compare who deserves more sympathy but just to say that I wish someone was here to listen to me at times like this.
You know that feeling when someone can make you feel so horrible about yourself, not because you're really horrible but because you made someone else feel horrible? That feeling when someone whom you love a lot, tells you that they don't love you and thinks that you don't love her. Someone that obviously loves you but telling you that they want to die because I don't love her. Telling you that the reason she live is for me, but the reason i live is not for her. So she should die. This is so wrong in so many ways but sometimes I feel like the more you know about something, the more it hurts.
Before I was majoring in psychology, I already frequently experienced family problems but it didn't affect me that greatly. Or maybe it did just that I got over it now looking back. Now that this is the field that I study, and the reason why I was determined to be a psy major was because my mom has depression, the more it hurts because I can't do things to improve the situation.
<: nbsp="" p=""> IDK how busy or how tough people's lives are. But for the first time, I wanna tell you that.. i'm having a really rough time now, I feel like shit. It's not an easy task at all to be coping with death threats on a daily basis while juggling with school, classes and running a production. Maybe your life struggles are worst (the mindset that i always had and told myself to push on in the past), but I'm really struggling now.
At the same time I feel so sorry for the works that I haven't been producing up to quality. I feel so sorry for not coping in school at all, skipping classes and wanting to help myself but I really wish I wasn't alone. I literally have no one to ask to for help.
I don't have much school nowadays, only twice weekly and so much spare time on my hands, but I'm just idling around, sleeping late, waking up late because my motivation is on a all-time low. I'm feeling the burnout since forever and never seem to be recovering from it...
At times like this when it's really tough, makes me miss you just a little.. You would understand where I'm coming from, you would listen to me.. you would scold me from the best intentions, you would give me suggestions. Maybe I don't miss you but I just miss that figure who was a company.
why is life so hard, why am i so alone. I hate being so needy. But I really can't do life by myself. Life is so meaningless when you do everything by yourself. When you are always by yourself. But I don't just need anybody or attention, I need someone who truly cares about me and has my best intention at heart. I need someone to complain to and say:"my mom's depression is acting up again.. I'm feeling shitty." I feel so empty when I realize theres no such someone I can tell that to that I have to post on social media. I feel so needy. OMG
OK all this is not meant to sound ultra depressing, but it's just me reasoning, and clearing my thoughts with myself. I'm not crying as I type this but I just wanna acknowledge these feelings inside me, and that even if one person cares enough to read this post, to say that I haven't been so okay, thank you for your time to listen to my rants, I'll try to be okay soon.
this is so contradicting.
OMG
I WILL BE STRONG
I WILL CONTINUE TRYING TO BE STRONG
IT'S FUCKING HARD AND TOUGH
BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO TRY TO BE OK BY MYSELF
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