2018
Hello readers.
Writing has never been my pride, my English has been horrible (8 out of 10 of my academic report cards told me to work harder on my English language). Yet I still enjoy writing simply as an instrument to let my thoughts flow, which is very important for someone like me who is very expressive. Reading has never been my thing too. I fall asleep way too easily when I read pages and pages of overload texts. Hence I marvel at my completed psychology and sociology degree.. you do know that my course is all about reading and writing right.. HAHA
Recently (just very recently, for the past 2 weeks), I've entered a very slow pace of life. I've graduated from school, I finished my 3 dance projects, I occasionally travel, sleep in till the sun sets, attend a few Christmas parties, and read. It is interesting how when my head is buried deep inside my events and programs, I find myself loving the daily challenges and now I'm preoccupied with nothing, I love finding new things that are totally non-essential and irrelevant to do daily. Like.. scrapbooking, playing the piano, watching netflix, leisurely strolling around malls aimlessly (my time used to be so tight that when I went shopping, I had to complete my purchase within an hour including the wait time at the queue to rush in time for my next event). As a matter of truth, I do not actually feel like dancing and I see my work as work and do not see it as dancing anymore. I am really unsure of these new emotions that I'm facing but I do know that whatever it may lead me to, there will be something to learn from, as long as I'm open to learning.
This year's 2018 reflection is going to be a little different from past years, where I give my thanks to all the people around me. Come to think of it, I was rather alone this year. I have my mom, a few old friends (ZH, WL, JC clique and C) whom i met up with over booze.. Most of the time, I was dining alone, solving my problems alone, doing things alone, studying alone, working alone. Maybe everyone gets more lonely as they grow up. I don't think I laughed particularly a lot compared to the past, I reserved my judgement and let others speak with little or no effort to elaborate my own story. I still did my usual accomplishments, lived up to my hella packed schedules but I think this year I lived a lot more passively. Most of the time, I was too tired to initiate or talk.
As a general summary, nothing much changed. I still face the same problems I've been facing with. My health, with my family's health and relationship. The year has once again matured and aged me. I' wouldn't say that I've learned, but time has made me let go of some people and relationships that I once held dear to. But a lesson that gets clearer is that time never stops, it keeps passing, year by year. Another year is about to be over and even though this year was the first time I ran a concert as a producer and also spent a lot of effort conceptualising my dance item as a choreographer, things still felt pretty safe in my comfort zone. I knew I was tired, I knew I was stretched thin and I made it work, I knew I was doing more, better than what I've done before, but it wasn't enough to make me feel challenged and alive.
I'm not sure if this understanding of myself is right, but the me I perceive myself now is someone who easily gets bored of the institutionalised routine. I like adapting to new scenarios. I like challenges. I dislike the norm or rather I like to go against the norm, my gut tells me to go right just because everyone is going left. I want to have an experience different from others, I WANT to go on the path less travelled, I don't need people to understand me because understanding is what people on the safe path seeks. I don't want to be just another person on the street not realizing that the lift isn't moving because he's too preoccupied on the phone. I want to offer new experiences to myself, and to the people around me when I talk to them.
On a related note, now that I've graduated, I ought to be searching for a job soon. And precisely for those reasons stated above, I'm interested in applying for the Singapore Prison Service.
I think my life has made an exciting shift, my priority is no longer dance, or looking for a boyfriend or what not, but on myself, learning and truly living. It doesn't matter if I gets lonely along the way, for these adventures I've had in mind are worth the isolated independence. Afterall, I'm afraid of the pain and suffering of dying but not afraid of the actual death. I feel like I've lived many emotionally draining hurdles in my life and sorted many things out. There are few things that i am particular staunched about. Life is life. You were born as a life on this Earth, the average life expectancy does not apply to you as an individual, you could die at 22, 33, 44, 88.. so you really never know what lies ahead of you. While we're young and before more responsibilities pile up, let's live like we're going to die, precisely because a limited lifespan is what makes life meaningful. If you're lucky, you may get till life when your children grow up and manage to retire for you to enjoy another phase of life with fewer responsibilities,. For now, let's not take that for granted. Focus on what you have now. Let' go.
Writing has never been my pride, my English has been horrible (8 out of 10 of my academic report cards told me to work harder on my English language). Yet I still enjoy writing simply as an instrument to let my thoughts flow, which is very important for someone like me who is very expressive. Reading has never been my thing too. I fall asleep way too easily when I read pages and pages of overload texts. Hence I marvel at my completed psychology and sociology degree.. you do know that my course is all about reading and writing right.. HAHA
Recently (just very recently, for the past 2 weeks), I've entered a very slow pace of life. I've graduated from school, I finished my 3 dance projects, I occasionally travel, sleep in till the sun sets, attend a few Christmas parties, and read. It is interesting how when my head is buried deep inside my events and programs, I find myself loving the daily challenges and now I'm preoccupied with nothing, I love finding new things that are totally non-essential and irrelevant to do daily. Like.. scrapbooking, playing the piano, watching netflix, leisurely strolling around malls aimlessly (my time used to be so tight that when I went shopping, I had to complete my purchase within an hour including the wait time at the queue to rush in time for my next event). As a matter of truth, I do not actually feel like dancing and I see my work as work and do not see it as dancing anymore. I am really unsure of these new emotions that I'm facing but I do know that whatever it may lead me to, there will be something to learn from, as long as I'm open to learning.
This year's 2018 reflection is going to be a little different from past years, where I give my thanks to all the people around me. Come to think of it, I was rather alone this year. I have my mom, a few old friends (ZH, WL, JC clique and C) whom i met up with over booze.. Most of the time, I was dining alone, solving my problems alone, doing things alone, studying alone, working alone. Maybe everyone gets more lonely as they grow up. I don't think I laughed particularly a lot compared to the past, I reserved my judgement and let others speak with little or no effort to elaborate my own story. I still did my usual accomplishments, lived up to my hella packed schedules but I think this year I lived a lot more passively. Most of the time, I was too tired to initiate or talk.
As a general summary, nothing much changed. I still face the same problems I've been facing with. My health, with my family's health and relationship. The year has once again matured and aged me. I' wouldn't say that I've learned, but time has made me let go of some people and relationships that I once held dear to. But a lesson that gets clearer is that time never stops, it keeps passing, year by year. Another year is about to be over and even though this year was the first time I ran a concert as a producer and also spent a lot of effort conceptualising my dance item as a choreographer, things still felt pretty safe in my comfort zone. I knew I was tired, I knew I was stretched thin and I made it work, I knew I was doing more, better than what I've done before, but it wasn't enough to make me feel challenged and alive.
I'm not sure if this understanding of myself is right, but the me I perceive myself now is someone who easily gets bored of the institutionalised routine. I like adapting to new scenarios. I like challenges. I dislike the norm or rather I like to go against the norm, my gut tells me to go right just because everyone is going left. I want to have an experience different from others, I WANT to go on the path less travelled, I don't need people to understand me because understanding is what people on the safe path seeks. I don't want to be just another person on the street not realizing that the lift isn't moving because he's too preoccupied on the phone. I want to offer new experiences to myself, and to the people around me when I talk to them.
On a related note, now that I've graduated, I ought to be searching for a job soon. And precisely for those reasons stated above, I'm interested in applying for the Singapore Prison Service.
I think my life has made an exciting shift, my priority is no longer dance, or looking for a boyfriend or what not, but on myself, learning and truly living. It doesn't matter if I gets lonely along the way, for these adventures I've had in mind are worth the isolated independence. Afterall, I'm afraid of the pain and suffering of dying but not afraid of the actual death. I feel like I've lived many emotionally draining hurdles in my life and sorted many things out. There are few things that i am particular staunched about. Life is life. You were born as a life on this Earth, the average life expectancy does not apply to you as an individual, you could die at 22, 33, 44, 88.. so you really never know what lies ahead of you. While we're young and before more responsibilities pile up, let's live like we're going to die, precisely because a limited lifespan is what makes life meaningful. If you're lucky, you may get till life when your children grow up and manage to retire for you to enjoy another phase of life with fewer responsibilities,. For now, let's not take that for granted. Focus on what you have now. Let' go.
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