1 day after my birthday

How many birthdays have I spent on here. Sometimes I'm pretty amazed by myself, I find my perseverance pretty amazing. There's things that I've been doing since a long time ago and it still holds dear to me. I don't seem to get sick of it, I guess my loyalty game strong HAHA

Every year when I look back at my posts I really get more and more appalled at how chirpy I sound. Maybe my mind has never been that positive but the way I present myself, in real life or through texts like this, I tend to word it in a more positive way cause I know that one day I'll look back at it and in a way I want to remember that my life isn't that bad? :')

Honestly, many thoughts in my mind these ways. In fact, all these time and somehow today blogger found its way to me. On my birthday this year, I planned for a class teaching and gathered all my close friends together for a meal. I'm guessing all my introvert friends hate it when I do that, but I secretly love it when I see my friends meet and become friends with each other. Maybe they'll form new friendships and one day they'll meet without me. 

At the birthday supper, everyone shared something that they like about me. Extroverted, fun, caring, makes them laugh, thinks deeply about things, empathetic, kind, beautiful inside out, grateful friend, crazy, pikachu, calm, patient... These are the words used to describe how I am as a friend to my dearest friends. I'm really grateful that they view me this way because how I feel towards them is mutual, lots of appreciation and gratitude. Also, some new adjectives that I never really associated myself with. I'm grateful that people saw through the qualities that I didn't know I have and appreciate me in that manner. I guess in general, people appreciate me for both the way I present myself on the outside and people are attracted to me because of how deeply I feel for things and think about things :)

Sometimes I shame myself for not being real, pretending to be alright, chirpy and happy on the outside whereas deep inside its a lot of sadness. But now I'm starting to learn and accept that both are a part of me and I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not. I love having fun, bringing joy to people, being a fool and I also love thinking uselessly deep about life and appreciating life to it's deepest level. 

28 years on this Earth, life has been pretty long, draining and tiring. I look at my Mom who's 31 years older than me, repeating the birthday cycle for the 59th time. I understand why birthdays aren't a big deal anymore. 10 years with Trichotillomania, I still have not recovered and it continues to haunt me. It's still paralysing me where I feel like my life can't go on, I can't do great things till this illness gets cured. But it's not really getting better and I'm not really doing anything about it. Lack of motivation, undeserving of love, fear of not being accepted, it's in my core.

I guess everyone enters your life for a reason. They serve a purpose in your life, to make you realise something, to help you, or for you to help them. Recently I'm starting to become a little bit more spiritual and maybe the reason why this appeals to people is because it kinda makes you look at life from a zoomed out perspective and let go of things easier. By doing that, you find yourself suffering lesser because there's lesser resentment, lesser ego, lesser need to win, lesser expectations. 'I just want to do what I can within my best abilities and leave the rest to fate. I will send positive thoughts to people and things, I will transform all the negative emotions I feel about people to positive ones and wish them well. By doing this, I am helping myself feel more level minded,' 

I guess I also feel extra grateful every year when it's my birthday because my beautiful friends, friends from a long time ago, or friends from other countries would send me their wishes and I feel the love, the sincerity that at some point in time they really cared about me and they are thinking about me in that moment. Thank you.

The last thing that I'm really trying to wrap my head around... is a new relationship I've started recently. It's been slightly over a month since I've met him. Through this one month, I've felt many positive emotions and connections I never knew would be possible because of him. SOULMATE- someone that you can connect with easily and makes everything feels right without even trying. I guess that's how I feel recently. The things I'm attracted to about him are things that I somehow know are a part of me too. Somehow I empathise so deeply with him because I know that feeling. All these feelings... that I never felt anybody understood, I see it all in him. I see him struggling and I see him trying so hard to treat me well. I have so much gratitude and love for him. Sometimes I'm struggling because I wish I would have done better, made a better choice, be a better support for him. I want to reach him but I don't know how to. I only can hope and pray that whatever I'm doing now is enough. I hope you know how much of an important person you are to this world. Love you x