SPEED RUNNING THROUGH THE RELATIONSHIP?

 TWO POSTS IN THE SAME MONTH WHATS UP

I was so happy with everything I gained in the past 2 months of dating. Everything at the start really went  so well, someone that I would never have imagined, so sweet, so loving...its so crazy cause I almost gave up on this thing called love then this relationship found me. And gave me hope.

Then about half a month ago, things STARTED going downhill. We get into quarrels for the smallest thing. We took the shortest amount of time to connect with each other,  to trust each other, to have faith in where this was going, and it also started going down the fastest way possible. Maybe it's because we also grew too comfortable with each other too quickly, too many expectations and I would say the courtship ended too quickly too. The downfall of the relationship happened exactly like how I imagined, because we are both very emotional and we are too involved in our own emotional world. That it's hard to reach out when we need each other. 

Now it just feels off cause we're a 'couple' that did most of the couple shit together, we're behaving like a official couple but we're still dating. He once asked me whats the big deal about asking me to be his girlfriend or not, since we're already dating exclusive now. When it just started I couldn't really place my finger exactly on why it feels wrong. Now I know exactly why this does not vibe with me. This is an epitome of modern dating. When people want to seek and benefit from the perks of being in a relationship/ having a partner without feeling the pressure of committing. Even worst when they don't realise it themselves. 

Now, why I've always been against this. 

Pardon me, a lot of these rants are just a process of me sitting down with my thoughts and understanding them myself. So it may not sound like the nicest things to read or understand. Especially if you have a differing opinion. 

Firstly, dating. I am open to the idea of dating. I've been on many single dates, I've been on a few dates with the same person, I label all these as dating. It is the first time I've been dating someone for 2 months (which is not significantly a prolong period of time), but exclusively and fully committed, first time yes. While I do think that every relationship has its own dynamics and the couple needs to talk it out to figure out where they are and what do they need. For example, do they need more time to get to know each other, is something/ some concern stopping them from moving on to the next step. And if there is, is the other person aware and is he/ she willing to work it through together etc. 

My side of the story. For me, I have felt ready and was positive about this person and relationship, not long since we met and I still feel the same way till 2 days ago. What caused the change? I'll explain it more later.

But here comes my first point. The effort that someone puts in when they're committed. They'll never think about getting out as an option, compared to the effort of someone that still has doubts on this relationship and for whatever reason that only he knows... To which I'm trying to my best to understand but I honestly don't. The only way I can reason it to make me feel better about myself is that theres still parts of me that he's still not sure if he can accept, or he's trying to come to terms with. And it's on me, because I know i'm not easy to love. Kinda gaslighting myself right here but whatever the reason is so that I feel less miserable about this situation-ship.

OMFG I JUST GOOGLED SITUATIONSHIP AND REALISED I'M IN A FUCKING SITUATIONSHIP. 

'If your connection seems to exist in a vacuum, it could be a situationship. The relationship doesn't grow or end. Simply put: You aren't talking about the future or what either of you want long term. All you really know is that the relationship (whatever it is) is working well enough right now. ' I used to talk about it earlier on but I realised hes not in the headspace to talk about it so I decided to just trust the process and continue on..

This really requires so much emotional power to power through typing this but I gonna finish getting all this out if not i know it'll continue draining me slowly through the week to come. I need to get this out so that I can see this level-headed.

So back to my point on why FWB/ dating/ situationship/ exclusive dating doesn't work out for me in the long term because I feel like this terms are used for people with a different mindset from mine. Which is fine, but i always put this out there to people whom I'm dating and I wanna try to work things out with, that this is a no go for me. And I don't mean like marriage or I wanna have babies with you serious, I don't even want kids and I still can't see myself getting married. I just mean, serious. A big part of a being in a relationship is a sense of security. Knowing that the person will be there for you, have your back no matter what happens. A relationship without the commitment, it just seems like you're being greedy, you're tryna get away with it. Get away with what you want at a low cost, that is fucking selfish. Why? Because anytime when things are not working out, you can choose the easier route and just force quit the whole game you know. And now I can finally see it clearly and say it out. Being exclusive is different from being committed. I know it in my gut and soul.

I know this is freaking cliche but I hate it when I hear things like this: I really love you but ...... this and that is not working out but I really love you. Fuck. It's never about the love darling. Commitment is an everyday choice. Commitment  isn't easy for anybody, everyone's making a big decision for themselves when they decide to commit. But I guess, no more guessing. We're really not on the same page. When something's not working and it really affects me, emotionally, i want to stick through it, talk through it, be physically present about it, it's fucking tough for me too but I'm doing all this hard stuff because you're the person I chose and decided that it was worthwhile. People can say they love you and everything but fall short in actions, all have commitment issues period.

Here follows my second point. It feels like fucking shit (sorry I'm swearing so much it's so out of character I know) when you found out that someone you're giving your absolute best to, is not as sure about you. It sucks because it makes their problem become your own problem. It's obviously their issue and their own problem to face, but its making me feel like im not worthy of it, I'm not deserving of it. That i'll never be enough. When hello human, you are someone whose confident of yourself, someone who know your own worth and value. You've been this situation enough time and you told yourself that there's no need to prove anything, look at the people who appreciate you and remind you why you are enough and more than enough. But what now again? Your own value of yourself has depreciated again. 

Here precedes my last point. It's been fucking painful ever since 2 days ago when I found out the truth. Maybe before I found out the truth, some actions of yours has already begin to put me in perspective. As more time goes, it seems like it becomes increasingly easy for you to treat me loosely, and just apologise after that. If this is a person that means a lot to you and how they are feeling mattered to you, I'm sure one wouldn't act this way. By accepting this behaviour, once again I'm just disrespeting myself. This is not the kind of way I deserve to have, this is not the kind of love that I deserve to get. And I'm really not talking about elaborate gestures or fanciful gifts, I'm talking about be fucking respectful and treat someone you love right because you care about them.

We all got demons in our head and no one's demons are any lesser or easier. I don't know if all this is just me in my head, overthinking but I'm writing it out here because...

I found out 2 days ago, on the very day that I wrote my previous blog post about being so grateful and thankful and up until 2 days ago where I still had my whole heart and soul into this relationship, I also found out that you said you have doubts on this. That really really really hurt me, it made me feel so dumb, like a loser, unwanted and stupid to be the one wanting this more and also clingy. Now the whole relationship feels so volatile. I used to say 'don't worry, we still have a lot of time together, lets not rush things/ lets not go home too late/ lets get some rest'. Now, after every meeting with you, I look at you leave wondering is this the last good memory that we are going to share together. I'm preparing myself for a potential heartbreak. You were wrong Lynette, you were foolish enough to believe yet again in love, and it's a lesson for you to learn to never trust and give your heart away again. I'm really preparing myself for all of these because I really don't know if I can face it when it happens. 

If one day Lynette you ever get your heart broken so badly ahead in this relationship, I wish you'll be back here to read this post and realize that you really don't respect and love yourself thats why you're putting yourself through all these and continue to do so 2 months in.