How I got up

Hello readers, shall do a quick post while eating dinner. Recently I found myself being much happier and it has been consistent that those depressed thoughts didn't even visit me anymore. I hope I can share some stuffs with you guys and hopefully those who are going though a tough period of a missing purpose in life can find some energy here! 

 So I need to start with how bad things were right. Hmm, for those who didn't read my posts months ago, I really hated my life back then. I had suicidal thoughts, I think I suck in everything I do, I think I have no friends, I get so sensitive and paranoid, thinking that everyone hates me. Plus the bad family situation, that period I really feel like dying cause I don't even have family support. Of course the main reason was a <i>medical condition</i> that I have that made me lose so much confidence. I literally drowned in sorrows for months, only surfacing those negative thoughts on this blog, sometimes to my clique of girls, and it was all me and myself. I am so thankful them for supporting and encouraging me through. Having people to talk to does make you feel better. But you know what? No matter how much others believe in you, if you don't believe in yourself, you'll still be crippled. Others can give you temporarily assurance, but you will only find true assurance from yourself. 

The changing point of this episode was my attitude. I always believe that I am strong, I will able to overcome the (condition) with my strong will power. Never did I realize that my strong insistence was due to a fear. I thought I was being very brave to face everything and try to recover from the existing situation. There was another solution, I was stubborn on one hand and insisted I do not need it, and fearful on the other hand. One day, I just woke up (I wasn't motivated to do any work, i just sleep through my days and even skipped school), in the middle of the night, and decided that ... This is long enough that things have remained the same. What I'm doing now, it's not working. What I thought I'm capable if achieving, it's proven that I can't. I accepted that I failed. I need to go to the another solution. So I plucked up a lot of courage, and I did. (Sorry for the ambiguity). That moment of decision was adrenaline, and the after effects sinked in only later when I'm still shocked of my crazy bravery. It was the right choice, I slowly recovered. I always ask myself will I ever have the courage to admit in front of everyone about what my medical condition was, but for now, the answer is still no. However, I'm taking baby steps, I'm still progressing. 

Another mindset change was that I realized, thanks to mr lim that there's really no point drowning in your sorrows because other people are using that same time, to get ahead of you. This sentence really changed my attitude. I know that I'm the only one that can help myself. And yes, I still want to do well for my a levels, and this, is the step i need to take and change, to achieve that. Initially, I still stumble and fall off track a few times, losing motivation now and then. But when you have a goal, a purpose in life, you'll get back on track much easier. Lesson learnt: don't ever lose your meaning in life. If you don't have one, search for one. You need this purpose to give you the drive. Also, even if you really hate something (I really hate studying), there is a clear line between things you want to do and things you need to do. (This is inspired by Anthony when I read his tweet) he said that he will always complete things that he need to do, before things that he wants to do. At first, I was doubtful of this sentence as I know that I'm someone who follows my heart strongly. But all it takes is TIME to change a perception. By adopting this mindset, it's not that I don't follow my heart anymore, but it's a certain discipline you need to have for yourself. Work hard now, play hard later (from Mr Desmond lee). I mean no matter what you do from now to the end line of the exam, your results will be your harvest. It's not like play will run away. If you take this time to study, to get an average result (my goal, given my horrendous foundation), wont you be able to enjoy yourself more later, as you play while not crying about bad results and regretting. Priorities have to change at different point of your life. Dance will always be my ultimate love, but it doesn't have to be my priority all the time. So quit being stubborn. Think about things that is supposed to make sense and ask yourself why is it not making sense to you, then from there you can improve and become a better person :D 

With more positivity, I feel better among my friends as well, I find myself singing to myself subconsciously again, I look At the clouds and feel happy cause its beautiful. I really learnt to not be stubborn. Determination is essential but being stubborn is being determined for the wrong things. Now, I'm back again, sharing this positively with people around me and because now I have enough of myself, I can give others more of myself to others again :D