Awfully honest about the things I still don't understand

Hey guys!

Finally a 'not racing with time' post because A levels are over. Can't believe I'm feeling empty and still relatively tired from the hangover. Been wanting to blog the day before ytd, ytd, because I have so many thoughts to share but ... I was trying so hard to suppress that rashness and to differentiate between things that are worth blogging about and things that are just my emotions playing with me and how I should just live with it silently. I even questioned myself why I wanna blog and why I spend quite a lot of time on blogging. Read on to find out more!

Throwback to last Monday before chemistry paper. Status: two more days to end of A's. I actually did some sharing with my written diary hehe. I think writing a diary reflects your mood more than blogging. Just by judging my handwriting, I totally know what mood I was in when I wrote that.

24 Nov 2014.

hello. A levels is ending in 2 days. Each time I read my diary, I feel so nostalgic and sad that I used to be contented with simpler things. Every moment, there's something worth recounting. I don't want my life, 18, then 21, just to pass in a blank like I can't really recalled what I did. I really have no idea what happens after this A levels journey. Will I be able to enter an university or another 3 years of poly life. No matter what, I'm never gonna retake A levels again. It's tough and it's something I'm unwilling to experience again. I was so hung up about wanderlust for a period of time. Gave up the thing of it. I used to achieve what I want much easier because I was dead stubborn. But this stubbornness caused too much unhappiness for the people around me (because they have to keep compromising for me). The trust is just I can't afford this wanderlust so let's settle for something more practical right. I used to fear being practical but I guess the older you Grow, the harder it is to run away from it. Maybe after I save up my money from teaching dance but I still haven't finance my piano class when school starts again and I won't be able to work anymore. Then do I have to give up piano again? Many people actually envy me, being able to do the things I like. Yes, I am able. But I worked hard for it. I didnt ask my parents to pay for my dance classes (I asked but they declined). I dont dine in restaurants, go cafe hunting, I eat really simple kopitiam budget meals to save that few cash dollars to support my dance classes each week. When it comes to courses payment, I'm always a month late as I need to slowly save up to pay few hundreds at a go. You could do the things you like too if you really work for it. Back to studying chem, bye. 10:19am

Somehow many people seem to be born as a rich kid, having so much money to dine at restaurants day after day. But it's okay if you're not, it's just what you're born with. And I just means you gotta work harder if you want that same life. Life was never fair so stop blaming the unfairness because it gets you nowhere.

Off track a little since I throwback to an entry I wrote two days ago. Back on track, why I decided to blog again. After some struggles in my brain, I figured out that we are human beings. I mean, we need to be heard, we have our emotional wellbeing and very fortunately, we are blessed with the ability to express ourselves through our speech. This whole blog thing is ultimately just about self expression, reflection and counting your blessings. Even if you can't find someone to share your sorrows with each time, it's alright to just bury your sadness right here. You can't expect somehow to deal with this type of lengths of text from you, although if it's just a conversation real life it's much easier. (Word text just freaks people out with the amount of words and small screen making the conversation seem very long but if you guys were talking, it would be even longer than this because during texting, we are still burdened by being lazy to express ourselves fully) and when you post here, it doesn't matter if no one reads (it's better of course if people bother to read about your inner expression), but I just concluded yesterday that I would be so miserable if I can't just talk about how I feel. I wonder how do people even live just by conversing with friends about going out, having fun, simple things like that and let every day pass. Because for me, it is really out of league. And maybe it's just me, who have a strong desire to express myself.

Yesterday went cycling, and zonghong proposed a logic which make some sound sense to me. He's a pessimist, he was a happy loving family. I am an optimist, I have an incomplete family. Let me just explain the story on my side if not he kill me for writing his Hahas! Since young, I have a broken family. That being said, my mum always educate me about 人心的丑恶 (idk how to rephrase this in English I'm sorry) and she was always very very skeptical about humans. She fear humans, she never trusted humans. Living in an environment like that, I have to keep encouraging myself, to tell myself that things ain't that bad, to still take faith and keep hope and believe in people so that I can continue moving on. Of course, I wasn't disappointed or betrayed by the people around me, so that gradually helped with my trust issues. Each time, I just force myself to see from a positive perspective, to keep reminding myself that it's okay. Until gradually, it becomes a habit. ITS NOT THR SAD STORY OF MY LIFE OR ANYTHING. I'm just saying they made me strong and who I am today, which I am thankful for, and we always need a balance of both worlds.

Enough of this rain pouring, let's talk about how I spend my first after A's day.

Went tampines with Sexygirls (I named this group on whatsapp randomly cause I ran out of ideas and they actually acknowledged it and it became our clique name hhaha) to watch Big Hero 6. It was GREAT. Hilarious and touching. My lesson learnt is to never underestimate a cartoon show again xD It's funny how I cried twice when the robots sacrificed themselves, once during Interstellar and now during big hero 6 and it's funny how they sort of have the same plot of the robot sacrificing. You have to follow through the whole story to understand why it's touching if not you'll probably just find me retarded for crying for a robot XD strongly recommend these two for those who are thinking of catching a movie this weekend! Also planned for our prom shopping outing (I'm gonna wear my sec 4 dress cause idw waste money). After that went cycling with zonghong and Kevin foo, It was a fun catch up session, because I really appreciate and miss my secondary school friends and it's really sad (maybe not to them but to me) how we all drifted. DRIFT DRIFT DRIFT (reminds one of a guitar song). Reached home at 1am (rather early for a night cycle) to repay my sleep debt. Eye bags accumulated for 1.5 years. Still tired today. Meeting mom later for a simple dinner at Chinatown because she wanna celebrate for my post A's :D feeling loved and blessed from everything that happened and everyone around me. byeeeee.