I was fighting so hard to let someone feel special

   Then I realized I'm actually fighting to let someone make me feel special.

I was deceiving myself my whole life about giving and not expecting return. Indeed, I feel joy to bless someone's day for a few seconds. The tipping point comes when I realized, I'm giving too much of myself to others that I don't even have me for myself. The things I'm wiling to do for my friends, people that I care around me, are far beyond the things that I'm even willing to do for myself. Fortunate they are, but I'm not sustaining anymore because no one's filling that __ (void; happiness, love?) back for me. I used to be able to absorb a little and give a lot more, but as I grew, I guess it's with the problems I face, I still give a lot but I'm wearing myself down. 

  I'm torn between putting too much effort or not putting any at all. Is it people's fault for this loneliness? Or is it my fault for not letting any one in. I believe it's not just me feeling this way. Have we became too individualistic that every sentence of ours starts with I, every conversation's replies ended up not like a conversation because we're all talking about ourselves and hoping that someone understands you. Why is every one acting this way, it's so tiring to talk to people like that because I seem to be the only few that's conscious to not become such an individualist and try to really reply their topic. And obviously if you're caught in that individualistic state you won't feel anything. Can someone tell me what am I feeling? Can some one explain to me and convince me how does this complicated tho work? Can someone tell me the world is fucking screwed up but it'll be okay sooner or later? It's so tiring to love and not be loved. 

I really miss the two mature guy friends I had in secondary school who always gives me advices and tell me that the world's this way. But it's been so long since I last talked to them and its bad to trouble people with your problems, even though I know their words will definitely make me feel better. I don't text with a lot of guys continuously for a period of time, so if you're the guy I'm talking about and reading is, or acknowledge your own sense of maturity, and if you actually care enough, could you please take the initiative to text me?  :( cause I really dare not for fear that I will be judged as weird. Of course if the wrong ones that I'm not comfortable with text me, sorry I will Try to make an effort to reply. For a matter of fact, talking to guys makes me feel better because they're very light-hearted. And nothing turns offensive cause everything can be a joke.  

So much for posting the fact about me loving VCW(voluntary community work), I'm due for it tomorrow in school....






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