If my thoughts were salt, these would be a pinch.

  hello readers. Sorry for quite an MIA because my computer died on me and currently blogging with my dad's com which i hi-jacked at 2am and it's spacebar is not that sensitive anymore and it's really hard to type. Guess I have to bear with it because I really need to blog now to prevent all these emotions from overwhelming me.

  Some friends of mine actually view me as being very judgey because I make always try to reason out everything I observe. Like why are people behaving in a certain way, not so much of commenting on their personality but where their intention is coming from. I know there are still a lot of scenarios and emotions and mindsets that make people do different things and sometimes these things are like pure stupidity but i'm really interested in finding out why. There must be a reason, they must have been guided by a certain mindset. I really love understanding things from different point of views and I dislike talking to people who are stubborn. It's like yes I agree that your point of view makes sense but they can never TRY to see things from my point of view and acknowledge it. Egoistic people are another story, sometimes the smallest deepest part of them actually understands where you're coming from, but they just refuse give in because somehow being 'RIGHT' makes them feel better about themselves (boosting self esteem). However, I think we shouldn't abuse the word ego because it's not always bad and not always the best word that we girls try to associate guys with. I actually know a guy, who displays ego through self-importance but not by putting others down to make themselves feel better. The self-importance is used as a drive for him to live up to his own standards, he expects a lot of himself. And he does not get this experience by pulling others down. Both with the same end-point of self-importance, but via different methods. 

Next, I concluded that people really do weird things when they are bored. I know I do, and I've seen many who do too. What triggered this thought was actually because of a group of 'uncles' I saw at the wet market. I walked pass at night and the group of them were just sitting there doing nothing, then they started shouting, (in chinese), little girl, do you wanna eat fruits (they sell fruits), little girl, why you walk so fast. and bye bye little girl. Of course I just ignored them and walk off. My first emotions were feelings of disgust. Like why do perverts even exist in this world. And with their age, they should be fathers of little girls already and I think of how disgusted I would be if I knew that my dad, a married man, was doing this. Then I stopped accusing and try to think of reasons why they're doing this. And judging from them sitting there drinking and wasting their lifes away, I concluded, they must really be bored hence disturbing me. Of course, there's another obvious reason which is somehow related guy's innate need to fulfill something that ...derh obviously I won't understand why and results in them acting so disturbingly and disgustingly :b (all the self-proclaimed good guys reading this will ask me to stop the generalization, because they claim that they are different but most of my experience doesn't teach my that hence I can't really understand how. xD) It's really hard to fully understand some things that are not experienced and we actually experience a lot of things in our lives. It's just a matter of fact if you're attentive enough to pick up all these details. 

Also, when I go to Mac to study, some people who are supposed to be studying there are really making a big fuss of their presence and really noisy. The reason goes way beyond attention seeking. There is still personality, level of maturity involved. As much as you find them annoying, you can't really blame them because it's certain experiences they've been through in their lives that made them act this way.
I also can't deny that when I was younger i probably acted this way as well so i just try to be more understanding. 

As mentioned before, I would like to pursue psychology in university and i've heard many whom said it's difficult. I think just like the never-ending debate of is JC or Polytechnics more stressful or tough, it really can't be concluded as there are different difficulties and problems for both and it's impossible to compare fairly. That's why, even if something is difficult, it shouldn't stop you as something that is perceived to be easier would have it's own difficulty as well. Ultimately, it's not about the difficulty level but the fighitng spirit, cause if that is lost, even the theoretically easiest things will be hard to you. 

Such a motivating speech right, but currently i'm wavering in this decision. Due to some personal problems that I'm facing for a a year plus and it has affected me quite a lot, I don't think I will be capable of helping others because I myself is in this fix of mess. I used to believe so diligently with faith and optimism of the quote :"I can and I will". Now, i tuned it down to if I could, I would. As much as I would like to believe in my capabilities and abilities, I really find it difficult to. I'm still trying hard to convince myself to really believe in the former.I think the worst part of life is not when other people disappoint you but when you disappoint yourself. How the real world out there is is no longer scary to me, what scares me is actually the devil, my own pessimistic voice in me, that will really paralyze me should I not get out of this fix soon. All i can say is, an addiction leaves you vulnerable. 

I don't only question what others do, I question my own thoughts. Saw the 20 facts thing trending on Instagram and my brain made a mental note of I wanna do it even though no one tagged me. I asked myself why would I wanna tell others about myself on instagram, why do I bother to try and want to let others understand me more. A part of me say I want people to think I'm cool, the other part of me says, no one really bothers about you, you're just trying too hard and wasting your time .Nevertheless, I should attempt to be cool ;) 

20 facts about me

1. I really love music, because it makes me feel good and it's so rich and it feeds my soul.

2. Most of my friends will find my quite weird (nicer ones call me cool) because I always do exactly what I feel like doing at that point in time,dance or sing or silly actions just because I feel like it. FEEL LIKE IT IS MY PHRASE AND MY REAL REASON, PERIOD.

3. My guzheng is always relatively better than my dance even though I love dance more. Probably because there are much more people pursuing dance and more competition which makes me feel lousier.

4. I'm ready for a lot of back-up plans if I failed my A levels, I would try toaudition into NAFA or LASELLE and my Mom is totally supportive of it and i'm actually quite excited about pursuing dance even though it's not the 'right way' ,i'm supposed to go into a university and get a stable job. Anyway, who defintes what is right, MEH.

5. I really wanna migrate to Taiwan, I love their culture and the warmness the people there gives me, but my dad says they have very corrupted gov and it's very dangerous there. Hence, it becomes a much more complicated situation and I can't even if I could. 

6. I'm real (at least I think I am). I try my very best to make people around me feel good and I never ever do something just for the sake of doing. Many of my actions actually stems from my genuine heart.

7. I love doing community work so when I'm late and I get VCW (VOLUNTARY COMMUNITY WORK) I'm actually thankful for the chance given for me to help the community and I really feel joy at the end of the day. I love helping.

8. I am wired very differently. My opinions and thoughts are always very very different from my friends and I ponder am I just weird or unique.

9. I have a broken family since primary school. Even though they're not divorced, they do not ever communicate. My mom really hates my Dad that sometimes I feel caught in the middle because they can't both come to watch my dance performance and I always go new year visiting with one parent. 

10. I really appreciate the feeling of home and family though mine isn't very completed and I have been eating 3 meals outside since secondary 1. 

11. It think of 100000 things at one time that I have difficultly expressing myself.

12. Im the only child but I'm not lonely cause I have my pikachu.

13. I have a range of interest in among everything, from aviation to design to arts to humanities to science to sports to counselling to teaching, i've thought of every possible careers before, but I really dislike theories cause I don't feel it.

14. I think policewomen are very cool. I thought of becoming one just recently. I was obsessed with signing on army in secondary 3-4. But I'm disturbed by the fact that it means I can't dance the amount of time I would want to. But I'm still going for the SAF talk organised in SRJC.

15. My childhood ambition is to become a celebrity (I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE)

16. I have two ex-boyfriends that are both shorter than me.

17. I'm either super high most of the time or super quiet.

18. My future boyfriend needs to play an instrument relatively well to charm me.

19. I want to watch musicals with my future boyfriend monthly at esplanade. I think it's the best dating activity.

20. I do not like to feel unequal to a man. If he can hold the door for a lady, I can too. If teachers always call guys to carry tables, I would volunteer myself too. When working the supervisor asked the guys to roll the 6" table and the girls to just stack the chairs, I start picking up the table and rolling. 

Goodnight!:)