Plead and Bleed
Hello humans.
I really wished I could be more poetic and write more sophisticatedly instead of ranting on and on. Tonight was a bad night thanks to my mom. I sympathise with your situation but dude, can there be more equality? For 91 days that we didn't quarrel, it was 91 days of giving in. In some situations its like no big deal but times where I had to give up something that meant quite a lot to me in exchange of your peacefulness, and good relationship between us, I made you feel better but I'm feeling horrible. In nature, I was never the girl who gave in. Only till JC I made such a big change, and its not a bad change but it makes me really tired sometimes trying so hard to create peace. Now, I'm gonna delve deeper that as you guys continue reading, you won't even believe that it's the same person you see in school. (I secretly hope people who used to read my blog don't read it anymore now, and you guys may ask me if I don't want people to read why do I post it here. It's because I just need some avenue to verbalise my thoughts)
My devil side, depression. I guess it runs in the family. I did my research. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's not some chimology that is rarely seen. It exists, around us in our everyday lives. For those of you who don't know the exact cause of it, it is termed us an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear or worry, repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety, or a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.
It is an anxiety issue and many of you often replace it casually with the most common example of can't stand things being not neat. Lecture notes, pens, having to align them, with the heads facing the same side, before you can start your work with comfort? Friends doodling on your book and you get annoyed because it's damn messy and ugly and it ughhh, spoils your book? Feeling that your hand is dirty, and going to wash them again and again, like they're still very dirty even after washing? It's because of this imbalance that you're feeling that you are anxious and you start doing things repetitively. And it can appear in many many different forms, like for my mom, she'll just throw away my clothes each time I don't put them neat enough and according to her, throwing away things makes her feel thrilled. I've also often observed her adjusting the hangers again and again to make it real straight. My dad, has OCD too. He has this strong urge to pull out the hair of his beard. Depression (Biological interpretation): Certain mood disorders such as major depressive disorder and dysthymia, that feature depressed mood are commonly referred to as simply depression.
Since anxiety is a mood, TADA point proven, OCD and depression are closely linked and it can be argued both ways, just like idea of the chicken or egg. Scientifically, as this is a field of study where psychological well-being it is so hard to be measured, is intangible the right word to use here. Hence, it is almost impossible to produce concrete evidence of how one, eg. OCD leads specifically to depression. But just following this simple train of thought or close studies, this inference is clear. I have no idea which came first for my mom, but she is a sufferer of both. With a hot headed (hot enough to cause water to boil at 100 degrees) dad and mood swinging mom, they obviously didn't support each other throughout this tough times and now i've got two irreparably damaged souls that have warped and extremist mindsets. And you say it must have been hard growing up in an environment like this. Honestly, as i'm going through it, I don't find it hard. Hard is a relative thing and there must be something which I can compare to. And since i've never experienced a loving family (i mean in my memory when I first recall, they were already quarrelling every instance and as I grew up,they shut each other out from their lives, stop talking and .. there isn't a thing called home.Yes I interact with them individually, but since idk primary what, we have never sat together, the 3 of us to eat a simple meal together anymore. Now maybe you guys can understand why I treasure home cooked meals so much, because also since then, my mom has never cooked for me before (Excluding maggie) and i'm eating the greasy and full of MSG takeaways for all three meals. You guys must be feeling sad for me now but I don't think I'm sad about it? I mean this has already been part of me for years already, and it is just my life. Now, enough talk about the parents cause it's my turn.
I always question, depression, is it genetics or environment influenced. And the answer I get back from most adults, professionals (psychiatrist) is both. I am not officially diagnosed with depression but my mom is. According to how she describes it when her mood swing acts up, it sounds like the same things I'm experiencing too. It just strikes and turn your life into a cosine curve within seconds and you feel like you've just dropped from wherever you were, to the pit bottom. All the depressed thoughts will come haunting you, and at that moment you feel like all hope is lost, you're gonna die and it is impossible to inject any happiness in your life. This emotional torture i believe is the reason why people can't take it anymore and choose the easy way out of ending their lives. I've been threatened by death threat since young and it feels like any moment, I will not have a mummy anymore. Each time she is upset with me, she threatens me with jumping down the building or her pills or just holding the chopper and kneeling down to plead me to force me to do as she deem fit if not according to her, i'm forcing her to end her life. It's no joke, I have to give in because I can't afford any chance for any what if. And I really wanna say, it should be because of this environment that i've been living in + genetics, that I have depression too. The funny part is before this year, all my anxiety issues originated from family problem and stress from studying only came into the picture this year. This is how my world started falling apart...
When you feel so lonely and can't sleep at night,
because everything gives you a fright.
The pain and the sadness takes control,
and once again you're all alone.
The pain I feel is torturing,
my life isn't really worth living.
You keep living everyday, hoping it might end someway,
you go to sleep and pray to God,
but it doesn't work... you're too stuck!
All the tears cooped up inside,
from all the lies that bleed you dry.
Just one tear shows a million emotions.
It's all mixed and with terror and devotion!
I devote myself to acting happy,
but at night when I'm all alone,
some how it all spills out,
when no-one can see, and no-one can hear.
All of the pain and all of the fear.
You go to sleep hoping you won't wake up,
but when morning comes you have to keep going.
It isn't easy and you can't say it is,
until you know just how it feels,
my soul is dying,
why do I keep trying?
Nothing seems worth it anymore!
I just want to be alone...
This is from the heart of all my feelings and emotions,
something I can't speak, but one day it'll all be over.
I really wished I could be more poetic and write more sophisticatedly instead of ranting on and on. Tonight was a bad night thanks to my mom. I sympathise with your situation but dude, can there be more equality? For 91 days that we didn't quarrel, it was 91 days of giving in. In some situations its like no big deal but times where I had to give up something that meant quite a lot to me in exchange of your peacefulness, and good relationship between us, I made you feel better but I'm feeling horrible. In nature, I was never the girl who gave in. Only till JC I made such a big change, and its not a bad change but it makes me really tired sometimes trying so hard to create peace. Now, I'm gonna delve deeper that as you guys continue reading, you won't even believe that it's the same person you see in school. (I secretly hope people who used to read my blog don't read it anymore now, and you guys may ask me if I don't want people to read why do I post it here. It's because I just need some avenue to verbalise my thoughts)
My devil side, depression. I guess it runs in the family. I did my research. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's not some chimology that is rarely seen. It exists, around us in our everyday lives. For those of you who don't know the exact cause of it, it is termed us an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear or worry, repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety, or a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.
It is an anxiety issue and many of you often replace it casually with the most common example of can't stand things being not neat. Lecture notes, pens, having to align them, with the heads facing the same side, before you can start your work with comfort? Friends doodling on your book and you get annoyed because it's damn messy and ugly and it ughhh, spoils your book? Feeling that your hand is dirty, and going to wash them again and again, like they're still very dirty even after washing? It's because of this imbalance that you're feeling that you are anxious and you start doing things repetitively. And it can appear in many many different forms, like for my mom, she'll just throw away my clothes each time I don't put them neat enough and according to her, throwing away things makes her feel thrilled. I've also often observed her adjusting the hangers again and again to make it real straight. My dad, has OCD too. He has this strong urge to pull out the hair of his beard. Depression (Biological interpretation): Certain mood disorders such as major depressive disorder and dysthymia, that feature depressed mood are commonly referred to as simply depression.
Since anxiety is a mood, TADA point proven, OCD and depression are closely linked and it can be argued both ways, just like idea of the chicken or egg. Scientifically, as this is a field of study where psychological well-being it is so hard to be measured, is intangible the right word to use here. Hence, it is almost impossible to produce concrete evidence of how one, eg. OCD leads specifically to depression. But just following this simple train of thought or close studies, this inference is clear. I have no idea which came first for my mom, but she is a sufferer of both. With a hot headed (hot enough to cause water to boil at 100 degrees) dad and mood swinging mom, they obviously didn't support each other throughout this tough times and now i've got two irreparably damaged souls that have warped and extremist mindsets. And you say it must have been hard growing up in an environment like this. Honestly, as i'm going through it, I don't find it hard. Hard is a relative thing and there must be something which I can compare to. And since i've never experienced a loving family (i mean in my memory when I first recall, they were already quarrelling every instance and as I grew up,they shut each other out from their lives, stop talking and .. there isn't a thing called home.Yes I interact with them individually, but since idk primary what, we have never sat together, the 3 of us to eat a simple meal together anymore. Now maybe you guys can understand why I treasure home cooked meals so much, because also since then, my mom has never cooked for me before (Excluding maggie) and i'm eating the greasy and full of MSG takeaways for all three meals. You guys must be feeling sad for me now but I don't think I'm sad about it? I mean this has already been part of me for years already, and it is just my life. Now, enough talk about the parents cause it's my turn.
I always question, depression, is it genetics or environment influenced. And the answer I get back from most adults, professionals (psychiatrist) is both. I am not officially diagnosed with depression but my mom is. According to how she describes it when her mood swing acts up, it sounds like the same things I'm experiencing too. It just strikes and turn your life into a cosine curve within seconds and you feel like you've just dropped from wherever you were, to the pit bottom. All the depressed thoughts will come haunting you, and at that moment you feel like all hope is lost, you're gonna die and it is impossible to inject any happiness in your life. This emotional torture i believe is the reason why people can't take it anymore and choose the easy way out of ending their lives. I've been threatened by death threat since young and it feels like any moment, I will not have a mummy anymore. Each time she is upset with me, she threatens me with jumping down the building or her pills or just holding the chopper and kneeling down to plead me to force me to do as she deem fit if not according to her, i'm forcing her to end her life. It's no joke, I have to give in because I can't afford any chance for any what if. And I really wanna say, it should be because of this environment that i've been living in + genetics, that I have depression too. The funny part is before this year, all my anxiety issues originated from family problem and stress from studying only came into the picture this year. This is how my world started falling apart...
When you feel so lonely and can't sleep at night,
because everything gives you a fright.
The pain and the sadness takes control,
and once again you're all alone.
The pain I feel is torturing,
my life isn't really worth living.
You keep living everyday, hoping it might end someway,
you go to sleep and pray to God,
but it doesn't work... you're too stuck!
All the tears cooped up inside,
from all the lies that bleed you dry.
Just one tear shows a million emotions.
It's all mixed and with terror and devotion!
I devote myself to acting happy,
but at night when I'm all alone,
some how it all spills out,
when no-one can see, and no-one can hear.
All of the pain and all of the fear.
You go to sleep hoping you won't wake up,
but when morning comes you have to keep going.
It isn't easy and you can't say it is,
until you know just how it feels,
my soul is dying,
why do I keep trying?
Nothing seems worth it anymore!
I just want to be alone...
This is from the heart of all my feelings and emotions,
something I can't speak, but one day it'll all be over.
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